Darlington, during the day is when normal people dilute the arsewipes

What can I say? It’s a ********, but it’s home! As a boy of very young age, I remember no fake tartans, 12 year old mums and more then half of what ***** goes on now.

Too small for a town and too big for a village, recently wasted money on the two most pointless things the town needed. The Pedestrianisation of the Town Centre, which sees bus stops change more then my underwear.. And the all new “Through-A-Bout” ******* which is supposed to ease congestion, but what it really did was tore up a perfectly good bike path and old railway route and made the route home from town take half an hour instead of 10 minutes. But then again.. That bike path was a ****-******** haven.. I now have a slight respect for the council!

I will start with the outskirts of the town and work inwards. Starting with Haughton/Whinfield/Springfield/Harrogate Hill and tall those areas nearby.. ********. Done. Nahh.. Has Asda in this bit and what is said to be the best target for bombs.. The Shuttle & Loom. Formerly a **** ******** pub with allegedly watered down beer (which can only be described as piss.. which wouldn’t surprise me if it was!) and a yellow wall. Now recently gone through a restoration which has got rid of the yellow wall but will most definately have the other two still there! This area has some quaint streets, but they are all nestled within the finest brick-looking cardboard boxes I’ve seen! Council Estates.. Filled with dole wallers, underage parents, inter-breds and.. Well any other words for ***** you can think of.

I would go on about other areas but I’d just be repeating myself. So here’s a list of places to avoid (unless you want to get stabbed).. Darlington. Hahaa.. Nahh.. Skerne Park, Firth Moor, Eastbourne, Haughton (near St. Andrews, Church) Red Hall, please add if I’ve missed off.

To the town! During the day it’s an alright place. This is when normal people dilute the arsewipes so all seems like a good place to be, apart from the constant not moving of others and the battering from pushchairs you get. Token arguments between ***** of “who ******* gets to ******* hold the ******* fiver they’ve found on the ******* floor” are there as a form of offensive street performers (DON’T PAY THEM!) and, above all else, the shops aren’t the best there could be. With rent up loads are closing down quicker then they went up (what was that nice shop with a bit of tat you thought of buying but left to get money out has now shut down now you’re back). Then the 4-hour 5:30 block comes where town gets quiet, college students stop laughing at cracks in the floor while quoting ‘RANDOM’ at everything they see and go home, ***** get sick because they can’t find “anymore ******* fivers on the ******* floor” and go home, the Job Centre shuts so the dole wallers go home to their council estates, the Post Office shuts so the oldies can no longer get their pension ’til tomorrow and the shops shut.

After said block, the night begins. Avoid Tanner’s, Retro (formerly Flares, ***** think they know all the songs because they’ve heard them remixed into a god awful song and the elders start trying to be hip.. In fact if these weren’t in this club there would be three people and the staff), Yate’s, Barracuda.. In fact avoid ALL of Skinnergate at night (and day).

So we start in the latest Wetherspoons, The William Stead (Steadie’s). Nice. Spoonies priced drinks and not at all rough as ****. Next door is 10 Crown Street who do a belting Cosmopolitan, never been during the day but night time is cool. A long way up (opposite Joe Rigs) is Number 22, a real ale pub filled with oldies who love folk music and singing with fingers in their ears, slightly expensive for a drink, but is great for a pint.

Going back into town is Scene, what used to be Bacchaus, filled with goths/moshers/emos/scene kids/confused people who arent quite **** and arent quite moshers (or “boggers” if we turn back the clock a few years). An alright place with reasonable priced drinks and long hair.

Next door is Inside Out (formerly Club 2K, a **** as **** club), now a place a **** can rarely be seen. Run of the mill nightclub playing 3 rooms of music, each of which a good choice.

But, I know what you’re thinking.. WHAT ABOUT THE ONLY CLUB IN DARLO?!.. Escapades, Spades.. Whatever you want to call it. It’s ****. Waste of mortar and bricks and where ***** go when they’ve had a barny with the 2 year old missus and go to pick up another underager. Plays ****, serves **** and the mental age+IQ is about as equal to what the capacity is.

Maybe Darlo Boro Council should save up money, one to fix the road which have more holes then Swiss Cheese, but second to rip down Spades and the council estates/**** areas, and then invest in shooting each and every **** in Darlington and bring the population down from 100,000 down to about 3,000.

Oh, and avoid Morton Park from about 4:30 as it gets busy and the boy racers and their latest features (include state-of-the-art back seat warmer, who is no more then a run-of-the-mill 6 year old **** lass) do the worst driving round Maccy D’s car park. Go here if you want easy money (park up, eat a BigMac meal, then wait for one of them to hit your car, get the plate number as they will drive off/do a pegger, and claim on the insurance). Then again, insurance and ***** don’t go together so it may not work your way.

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