Now, if you were to say that Crewe is a c**v/scally/townie infested crap hole, you would be comiserated as people would think you live there, such an accurate description of the place you just gave.
You see, there is an area of Crewe that falls under the post code of CW1. This is the breeding ground of the Crewe Scally, much like an ants nest, and most likely the Queen Scall has indeed given birth to most of the Scally population, much like her more civilised ant counterpart. CW1 covers many an area of Scallsville, such as the notorious West End. However, being as the combined IQ of such people can be counted on the hand of a Vietnam war veteran, the West End is not actually the west end. It is the geographical north of Crewe. Point proven I feel.
There is also the lovely Alton Street, home to the notorious (sic) Alton Street Army. There is currently a “turf war” between them and the West End Warriors. Its amazing what happens when McDonalds goes up for auction. The reality is that such gangs are simply three rodent-esque malnourished Elizabeth Duke ring wearing job centre regulars trying to give their life purpose. Normal people simply laugh at such statements of “gang wars” “Armies” and “Warriors”. And yes, both sets of “gangs” are probably cousins fighting over who gets to use the shower this month.
Where might you encounter such a creature? Well, any of the McDonalds or Nantwich Road takeaways (Subway is too upmarket for many the benefit scrounger here), sampling the world famous Razhmiks Kebabs, which had a Vet Centre conveniently placed next to it. Come to your own conclusion there.
Next, we come to their drinking holes. These are numerous, as the Scally phase is not a phase here in Crewe. It is the reality. We have the lovely Steam nightclub, known locally as STD Central. The only entry requirement being you have to be stabbed before entry. It is where the glitterati of Crewe strut there stuff amongst such luminaries as my mate’s Grandad, yes Steam really is a magnet for the youth of Crewe.
If you do decide to visit Crewe on a “Scally hunting” trip, I suggest you know what they look like. Usually slim and small, much like if you dressed a Romanian orphan in some s**t covered Adidas trackies and adorned them with a fake Burberry cap from the market. Lets not forget the elegant Argos jewels and trainers stole from a Kosovo charity donation. Look out for their communication calls, then you can get a clear shot with your trusty blunderbuss whilst on horseback. They may say:
“On me muvvas” Translation: “On one’s mother” adj. to proclaim the truth, to verify a fact.
“Spaaak y’owt” Trans: “To render one unconcious” vb. to instigate violence, which the Scally will retreat from without fail unless all 800 cousins are with them.
“Y’got 20p mate naaaa?” Trans: “I need money to buy hospital treatment”
adj. what usually happens to a Scally after such violence is instigated.
“N’bed” Translation: “To have a penis on one’s cranium”
noun. How Scallies address their parents or themselves lest they look in a mirror.
Is there a happy ending to this story? Yes. Live in Wistaston. Its known as CW2. its where house prices go up, people are nice and pubs are generally enjoyable and its also an Independent Republic which endorses Scally hunts. What more do you want? A nunnery to post obscene things to? Wistaston has that too! Some come be free, and remember the Wistaston motto: Our land born free, all shall inhabit bar Scally.
One last tip: If you’re on a train the best part of the journey is when you pass through Crewe. Why? Because you’ve not got off there. Think about those poor souls that did next time you go past.