Clipstone, ultimate shite-hole, even worse than the town it is situated in, Mansfield. Here you’d be hard pressed not to find Chav offspring urinating in their grotty little gardens, or Chav “rude boiz” flaunting their shitty customised cars around Peasants Crescent (I shall go into detail about this certain area later).
The cool Chavs hang around the Squinting Cat pub, but the lesser known Chavs needn’t fear because there’s always Forest Town Youth Club or Kempins shop to contract sexually transmitted diseases outside of.
What self-respecting Chav village would be complete without the trademark mother-of-seven fat slag?
Well there’s mother-of-seven fat slags galore around Clipstone and the Garibaldi Estate. They’re most commonly situated infront of their Cable television sets or outside the Chip-shop gorging all the fried potatoes their Benefits money will stretch to.
But what fat slag mother-of-seven would be happy without a Chav boyfriend? (Who happened to father one of the fat slag’s offspring and also sleeps with her 15 year old daughter).
The Chav boyfriend has an average of 2 Sexually Transmitted Diseases and sports a fake Calvin Klein T-shirt, and will on the rare occassion switch his Kappa trousers for a pair of ill-fitting Levi’s jeans.
Chav boyfriend and fat slag mother-of-seven are nauseatingly affectionate in public, as when they do venture out of their trampy houses and trek across the road (strewn with their offspring’s nappies and Fosters cans) they go to one of their favourite destinations; the local corner shop (for more beer and Richmonds, obviously) or the local cinema, they usually stop halfway to chew each others faces off.
Chavster kids are nearly as repulsive. They go through Primary and Junior schools and arrive at the local comprehensive, Garibaldi Maths and Computing college. Here they reach the pinnacle of their Chav education and graduate into the ultimate ass-holes.
Sporting their fake Burberry gear and Kappa parkas, they do not hesitate to harass anybody remotely alternative, or anybody who doesn’t fit the Chav ideal.
Chav boys are naturally attracted to the masculine looking, orange skinned, bleach blonde streetwhore type, who adorn gigantic earrings and smear white eyeshadow over their eyelids.
If they get drunk more than three times a week and lost their virginity before the age of 10 then that’s an added plus point.
Chavettes look for the following characteristics in their boyfriends: Penis, Burberry gear and being hideously sun damaged is also a plus. Chav slags like their men rugged, with their shoes white and their hats fake.
When Chavs engage in sexual activity it’s startlingly brief and is usually broadcast to the rest of the Chavs the next day while they’re skipping Geography. “Yo I fucked dis bird in dis skip outsida da youthie las’ night”.
Chavette usually has to miss the morning’s lessons to make the walk to the GP’s to collect the morning after pill. Chavette spends the afternoon whining, “I ain’t no slag I ain’t! I dint know I wa fuckin’ him I’d ‘ad ‘alf a Lambrini before it yeah!”
Most Chavs and Chavettes descend from Peasant’s Crescent, where kids have sex in gutter and from the number of offspring borne to single mothers, residents of Peasant’s Crescent obviously haven’t discovered contraception.
Cars are either 1970’s Anglias which are missing M.O.T. approval and/or Tax discs, or they’re 1970’s Anglia’s with spoilers, alloy weels and novelty leopard skin interior. Failing that they’re just homes for the even Chavvier Chavs.
Chavs are usually white supremacist racists, who are too poor to be right wing. Anybody of a different race to them are “coons”. Tell them they’re racist c***s and they’ll steal your bike.
School is simply a place for Chavs to exercise their power over the weaker Chavs, steal erasers and shoes and “borra” cigarettes from older Chavs.
Lessons are also a fantastic place to swop tales of sexual interactivity regarding their “Babycakes” Chav or Chavette from the previous night at the Youth Club. “She wor a 32D I swear”. Either that or they compare penis sizes and share masturbation tales.
Fights with Chavs are funny. Currently in my third year at my comprehensive school, I’ve had several fights with Chavs and they are most certainly unique experiences. Hair pulling, bitch slapping and pinching are regarded as top moves. Rip their kappa hoodie during battle and they’ll get their Chav father to threaten to rape you.
Rape happens to be surprisingly common in Clipstone. That and sexual harassment. Y’know the sort of thing, “Show us yer tits or I’ll shoot yer”.
There was a case recently about a man in his 20s sexually assaulting a girl aged 17 and another woman aged 54. That’s the sort of sexual frustration typical of Chavs.
It was most probably the work of a Chav male; as only Chavs are fucked up enough to target the young and the middle aged. That and the fact 95% of Clipstone’s population aside from the elderly are Chavs. Well actually most of the old people are Chavs. Wrinkly Chavs, admittedly.
Average Chav life expectancy is around 40, due to the fact Chavettes probably roll over in their sleep and squash their youngsters, or cut them up and sell them in order to get the latest Jim Davidson DVD, as well as the fact Chavs are of limited intellegence and die painful deaths when they insert their penises into household appliances.
Chavs also have a detrimental effect on the lives of people around them. Their nauseating smell, their violent nature and their trailer trash lifestyles have a negative impact on decent human beings (The 5% of non Chav Clipstone residents) and therefore condemn us all to an early grave. (In Clipstone cemetary where Chavs take their Chavette dates for a “quick bit o pinch n squeal”)
Clipstone Chavs are a hazard to us all. Please, wipe out a Chav today, for the sake of YOUR Britain.
An Article by Louise the Anti-Chav campaigner of Clipstone, Mansfield Notts. firstname.lastname@example.org.