I’ve lived in Chesterfield all my life (23 yrs) and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s not as bad as people make it out to be, sure it’s called “****-Vegas” or “Ches-Vegas” but that’s only because of the mad nightlife, flashing tacky lights and the local fat ****’s that give it a bad name. If you wanna get into a feight, just go to Brim on a Sunday Neight! I’ve had it all here, drinking, college years, girls, memories and most of all my friends. Read on for the real Chesterfield…

There have been a few murders in (ahem) Brim recently, from stabbings and beatings to ***** and women getting their heads blown off with shotguns….Yes people, Brimington* is really that rough, be afraid, be very afraid. The local girls (yes, a lot are girls, some only 14!) have tattoos plastered down their forearms and more bling bling than Mr. T – “I ain’t getting on no plane fool!”

(* = Brimington Common is not associated with Brimington, the common is roughly 1 mile north of Brimington and it’s a very nice place to live, seriously it is. The only let down is that it’s on a main road into Brim, so you get all the copper choppers out looking for joyriders and smack ‘eads from Inky and Barraa Hill)

How grim is your Postcode?

Anyway back to the town centre. Like all *****, I ‘ate ‘em. Most are teenagers wearing Burberry and Rockport with a hint of Henri Lloyd and Reebok, but you also get some older ones that have just come out of jail – You can tell who these are by their outdated Naff Naff 54 coats and tear drop tattoo’s under their eyes….Euuuugh!
********’s also ponder around the town centre pushing prams at the ripe old age of 16 and Gozzin on ’toad flooower whilst chewing gum and smoking. Thursday is classed as freaks day, you get all the poor ***** and scrubbers looking for “BAAARGINS” on the 2nd hand flea market….eeeek!

You must listen out on the market for the fruit man, Jeez I can remember this bloke from when I was 2! There’s also a baker that sells bread at the bottom of the Market Hall, he chants just as loud, something along the lines of “Come get yer bread bags, 2 for a pound, pound get yer bread bags”……whatever he says it doesn’t make sense!

There’s nothing better than perusing the shops on a Saturday afternoon, you’ve got Rebel, Circle, The Vault and Zebra. That’s about it for good clothes, but there’s always Wilko’s and Pri Mark for the *****. Watch out for ***** with McDonald’s straws, they buy little sweets called Trillions from the Candybox opposite Zanzibar and spit them at you!

If you fancy eating out I suggest going without, you’ve either got Maccy D’s which is full of Chavtastic teens or you’ve got 2 Wetherspoon pubs to choose from, go in either of them and you’ll come out with a bloody face!

The ‘neatleaf’ in Chesterfield is OK for a small town. It’ll never match Sheff/Notts/Leeds etc because of its size. The best pubs to go are generally anywhere in the centre apart from RITTERS and CLUB FEVER – If you value your life and your boyish good looks then stay away. RITTERS is full of football hooligans and ***** that will glass you just for a laugh, but it does have one good thing about it, Tuesday night = Strippers Night! Go here on a Tuesday evening for an eyeful of Chesterfield’s finest shaved p*ssy, big tats and lap dancing….and it’s free, rock on lads!

Zanzibar is Chesterfield’s premier nightclub ( with bottles costing £3.80 it’s only for the upperclass! Still quite a lot of ********’s and phat ***** beggin for a pint of cider though. “Please Mr. gerrus a pint and I’ll suck yer….”

Xanadu and the Brad (Genesis for you young ‘ens!) used to be awesome until they both flopped and went under, oh the memories of Xanadu in the Hollywood bar!!!

If you’re not old enough for drinking and you’ve just past your test, you can take your mum’s car to the Donut and hang around with the Biker Mice (scooter kids) and act cool. The Donut is a big car park in the centre of Chesterfield where all the boy racers and bikers hang out. They also race round the Donut like it’s Daytona or summat! (some of the cars are mint though – keep up the good work lads. As for you cheap wannabe modders, please don’t try and get your car looking good by spending a few hundred quid. Modifying cars isn’t cheap; you need to do it properly by buying top spec stuff and getting it sprayed at a proper body shop, not in your mate’s garage!)

Yeah the Chessy lingo is awesome, check it out me duck:

Orate mate, wot’s thaa doin toneet ?– Are you ok, what are you doing tonight?
As tha bont tha sen? – Have you burn’t yourself?
Gerrit Daan Thee Duck – Use this if you pull a bird, works wonders!
Rattled vis bod last neet duck – Had *** with a girl last night
Gis a *** maaayte or I’ll knock ya f*ckin ‘ead off – Can I have a cigarette please?
Get tha sen daan barra ill if tha wants some smack duck– Go to Barrow Hill if you want some drugs!

Chessy attracts all sorts of people, from Goths and Rockers to Pretty Boys and *****. Chesterfield College is the place to be, whether you have the intelligence of a rat or the skills of a fox, it’s all their for you, and guess what, its government funded so this means you can have another chance to get your GCSE’s/A-levels for free! All the cool kids hang around outside at break times smoking a cigarette, then they go to the refectory to get a bacon and hash brown cob with brown sauce! (Some little ba*tard ***** even steal food and drink, not mentioning any names *ahem* Riddler!)
There are also some really fit birds there too, so if you’re single and 16, go to college and put a bun in the oven, spread your seed, you don’t want to get left behind do you boys?!

That’s about it for now, thanks for reading my views on Ches-Vegas and I’ll try and think of some more stories and photo’s to post!

REMEMBER: If you want to fit in to Chesterfield just miss words out of sentences and add the word “Duck” at the end… simple is that?! Try it….Are you goin to shop duck!?

Top 50 worst places to live in England 2022 as voted for by you

The Chesterfield **** is unfortunately as predictable as any other, with the preferred hot spot being McDonalds. It’s a particularly good one, as there are three sides of the building exposed to loiter round, all with walls that can be sat on. One of these sides has a row of market stalls adjacent, selling very classy posters of the Simpsons, Athena style dolphin pics and other ‘rayt nice’ stuff to blu tack on the kitchen wall. The rest of the stalls are all similar, ie. £1.99 DVDs etc. Needless to say, the whole area is covered in gob and chewing gum. The crowd is sometimes so big that it spills out into the large open market area, annoying people like me who have to walk round/through the dirty little gits. The other hot spot is the ‘donut’ roundabout, a circular car park with a one way system running all round it. Needless to say, this is where all the boy racers congregate at night to stand about looking at all the ‘normal’ cars going past and sneering because they don’t have half an old bath glued to the front. The only clues left to daytime users of the car park of the previous night’s *********** are the lonely McDonalds cups skittering about in the wind. However, it gets worse. On occasional bank holidays, the car park is used to contain the travelling fair. ***** congregate there like flies round **** for as many hours of the day as possible, to stand in awe of the UberChavs that work on the waltzers and smear candy floss on their faces while shouting stuff like ‘donna, yer ******’ ****, was tha mean ‘e’s gooin art wi’ thee? al ****** av thi.” etc etc etc. It’s like a gaudy, earsplitting ants nest. and relax.

Top 50 worst places to live in England 2022 as voted for by you