Chelmsley Wood is situated around 8-9 miles east of Birmingham City Centre and has always had a reputation for drugs and petty crime. I was brought up on the estate but had the good fortune to escape the area for a good 13 years before circumstances forced me to return. And what a return it was. I think ‘The Wood’ as the local braindead call it is the C**v capital of at least the West Midlands, if not England. In the ’60’s it was christened the largest housing estate in Europe. Which meant that the council housed all the undesirables in the area and squashed them together to live in perfect harmony.
There are tracksuited everywhere, from the baby with its ear-pierced at the ripe age of three up to the skin-headed father of 45 and his 6 kids by 6 different mothers. The best place is the local shopping area which once housed big name as Sainburys but now you find a somerfield and its great collection of turkey twizzlers and cheap coke for the youngsters to hyper on. C**v women are the classic type here. The scraped back ponytail, the too-short t-shirt so their council-flab hangs down and the dragging of the 3 kids she has as this is an easy way to get money from the goverment rather than actually working for it. Thwe best time to see a ‘gaggle’ (the collective term) of these fine specimen? 9.30am on any bus that serves the shopping area. 16 pushchairs vie for the spaces at the front of the bus while their chavvy older kids smear Sunny Delight all over the seats.
Chelmsley Wood – The offcial sponsor of the Ford Escort, Carling and calling anyone who wears normal clothes a ‘puff’ (this happened to me while walking to the local shop by a 12-year-old).