Chartham (Pronounced Char’am)

KentSouth East

Well, reading through, i’ve noticed that both Canterbury & Ashford have both well afforded a mention. However, somewhere in the middle just off the main A28 is the “**** stop off” called Chartham, (Known by the locals as Char’am, with a kind of uhh in the middle).

I grew up in The Hyde. First few years were great, but then like any housing estate the ***** flocked to the waiting lists from miles around like flies to a cows ****, not to say that ***** are in anyway related to the flies, well maybe they are.  Running the estate are the Junior **** Posse (JCP), a group of 12 year old *****, you can tell the different sexes only by the creoles that I think the female of the species wear and if you want to get the low down on whos getting laid by who, you can check out the chalk inscriptions under the archway between 20 & 21. Don’t loiter there too long, and if you need somewhere to hide form any **** parents, somewhat puzzled by the appearance of a stranger in the hood, you can take refuge in one of the many burned out cortinas or escorts in the back carpark (watch for **** stained needles and condoms)

There is a top end in the estate (the estate was built on a hill) and it seems the king ***** live up there and the peasant ***** lived at the bottom, I have to admit, I never had the courage to go up the so I can’t comment. But watch out for stray **** dogs, they used to be pitbulls but over the generations have been cross-bred with their owners, who knows what they are, and they will bite you and do off with any jewlery.

How grim is your Postcode?

Out of the estate you head up Bolts Hill, I can’t believe developers tore down the white house, (a derelict 5 bed – painted white) this was a great hang out and kept around 20% of the JCP off the street at any one time, a notorious stop of for a shag and a joint.

What ever you do when you reach Shalmsford Street DO NOT cross over into Bobin Lodge Hill, it is rumoured that the oldest **** family in the uk live down there, nobody quite knows when they date back to.

Turn left up Shalmsford Street and you come to the **** County Primary School, formally Stour Valley Secondary. It is said that this change from secondary to primary school came about by a secret annonimous protest of non-***** lead by the local vicar, in an attempt to rid the village of teen ***** for 7 hours of the day.

At the top of Shalmsford Street is the former St Augustines Hospital, this psychiatic (mental) hospital was closed some years ago, releasing its inmates onto the streets of Chartham. Nobody quite knows what happened to this sudden surge on the population, some say they were all rounded up and dumped in Griffin Lakes (Owned again by *****), some say they simply intergrated into the **** population (and thrived, being of similar minds)

There are a few nice places to visit, the local w(rec)k is often quiet (on rainy days) as too is Shalmsford w(rec)k. St Marys’ Church is quiet from wednesday through to Saturday, Sunday to Tuesday you wont get past the religous gold clad **** mums queuing to sin for their **** kids and dogs misdeeds.

Infact if you find yourself driving down the A28 heading past Chartham, you are better off just keep on heading past, chances are there will be a 7 year old kiddie **** with a key that fits your car.

Top ten things to avoid if visiting Chartham:

10  Bakers Lane
9    Telephone Boxes
8    Anyone between the age of 2 and dead
7    Dogs that look as though they’re ****** with humans
6    Humans that look as though they’re ****** with dogs
5    Knives, Guns and Needles
4    The streets between 4 and 5 pm. School home time.
3    Top of The Hyde
2    Griffin Lake
1    Bobin Lodge Hill

And if you do find yourself in Chartham whether visiting, or you took a wrong turn……

………..Good Luck !!

and one further note, if you are heading Canterbury bound and manage to get through Chartham unscathed, do not stop in Thanington.

I often wonder if I am desitined to evolve and grow in a **** environment as I not live in Hailsham Sussexs’ **** Central and the birthplace of the ****. Check out this story

Top 50 worst places to live in England 2021
Top 50 worst places to live in England 2021