Written by Anonymous. Posted in United Kingdom

Thurrock council continue to spell it as Chafford Hundred, when in reality Chavvord Hundred is the most appropriate name and certainly appears to be how it’s pronounced by the scooter riding unwashed chav population of 6000. It’s a new housing estate spanning 3 miles across the waste chalk lands between Lakeside Shopping Centre and the celubrious Grays. The area was so named after the great god of the Chavs, Chavvord Hundred.

Favourite hangouts for the Chavs are the overhead tunnel connecting Lakeside to Chavvord Hundred, the train station itself and outside the Bovis Homes showhome on Cumberland Road. Of all of these haunts Cumberland road appears to be the favourite. Many of the chavs live in Cumberland road or the attached Fenton Road and appear to be at least 2nd generation Chavs. Given the average price of a house in the area is well over £350K it’s not clear how all the mummy and daddy Chavs made enough money to buy their houses, perhaps the drug dealing and violence in the immediate area has helped, although it would be some accomplishment to sell more drugs than they appear to consume.

The main attire for a female Chavvord appears to be cap, shell suit (hoody style) and trainers. The main attire for a male Chavvord appears to be cap, shell suit (hoody style) and trainers. The easiest way of distinguishing between a male and female Chavvord is the fact that most males (under the age of 35) have a 50 cc scooter growing between their legs, without a helmet growing on their heads. The female Chav’s have had everything but a scooter between their legs.

This is particularly apparent on Cumberland Road where there is an almost constant collection of both male and female Chavvords and a constant sounding of scooter horns outside the Bovis homes showhome. It is my belief that the Chavvords actually worship at the railings of the great Bovis showhome by offering up their unwashed as a sacrifice. They use the scooter horns as they are incapable of putting together a chant of more than two words, unless the second word is off. When the sacrifice isn’t taken up, as the great Chav God doesn’t actually live in the Bovis showhome, the Chavvords and their unwashed offerings retreat to the Bovis Homes car park, to consume drugs, stay dirty, abuse local non Chavvords and no doubt mourn the fact that this night, just like every other the great unwashed God, Chavvord Hundred has chosen not to appear from within the Bovis Homes Showroom. Presumably he’s down Bazzo or Romford clubbing, so doesn’t notice the worship.

This just mainly details one part of the great Chavvord Hundred, I’m sure the other 99 parts of it are as equally chavved up. It’s plain for all to see a place with a name like Chavvord Hundred, it has got to be the wholly mecca for all Chavs and I note Thurrock Council are intending holding a Chavvord Festival in the formative months of 2005. I dread to think what this will involve but have no doubt it will attract scooter riding Chavs from all over the country, as long as it’s not held on the weekly occurring Chav religious festival “benefit day”.

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