Quite why this benighted cesspool of South London Chavdom has thus far escaped documentation within these hallowed pages is perhaps a question only the C***s themselves would be able to answer- if it was texted to them in fluent fuckwit, and they could be arsed to consider it. Catford is home to the subspecies of C**v (Councilestatus Scumbagus) known as the Gangsta Wannabeeus Albenoensis, or what is more colloquially referred to as the Wigga. This particularly odious species of C**v draws it’s inspiration from the gangstas and yardies in the area, and is easily distinguished from them by the spotty, pallid complexions that most of them have. The inherently crappy dress sense, taste in music (Or lack thereof), penchant for bling and fake wannabe Lenny Henry accent is, however, exactly the same. These skidmarks on the underpants of humanity spend most of the time frequenting the town centre of Lewisham when they’re not hanging around the Catford DSS, as they feel somehow that they’ve gone upmarket. Charmingly, they can often be seen regaling passers by with their traditional greeting of “OiwatchoolookinatyerKAAAANT!” Lewisham locals are distinguished from these wazzoks simply because their tattoos are largely spelled correctly. Lewisham used to be a fairly respectable, if somewhat humble, corner of South East London, but the advent of the Catford C**v invasion has lowered the tone quite considerably.
Lewisham is, however, somewhat let down by the fact that there’s a p***y camp right next door to a Matalan, and there are a few too many poundstretcher- type shops than can otherwise be considered healthy in any self-respecting town. Because Lewisham has the money, the JJB and other sportswear (Sorry, clothing) shops are situated here, although there’s a refreshing lack of Burberry items on show. The local C***s have to beg, borrow or usually steal their fake diarrhoea- coloured tartan apparel from Catford market. Lewisham is currently undergoing major refurbishment, but so far, the council has neglected to address the only practical consideration, namely rehousing the p****s with the Catford C***s, moving Matalan and the sportswear shops to Catford and nuking the whole f*****g lot of them, after moving Lewisham to the statutory 12 mile safe distance.
Catford itself has more than it’s fair share of cheapie shops, probably more per capita than anywhere else in Western Europe. The local school is a sight to behold, as the young mothers (Only in the biological sense of the word) queue to collect their multicoloured and often inbred brats- it’s quite evident that most of THEM had to leave school early (Assuming that they bothered to attend in the first place) in order to be there. There are three tower blocks opposite the local hospital and just outside Lewisham town centre that seem to contain most of the C**v population, which can be readily seen by the proliferation of Sky dishes, En-ger-land flags, spliff dog-ends, and the stench of stale piss and cannabis that pervades the area. Because of the location of C**v Towers, these creatures are now poised to infest Lewisham altogether, and the sight of honest working folks being hassled by out-of-their-skulls pissheads, junkies, p****s and other drop-outs while trying to wait peacefully for a night bus is becoming all too common. Added to that is the fact that their local watering hole, The Coach And Horses, has recently been subjected to a police investigation due to a fatal stabbing occurring when two fine examples of pissheaded Chavdom set about each other with knives after one too many White Lightnings.
An indication of how far these godawful oiks have dragged down the (Relatively) good name of Lewisham can be illustrated by the occasion, some months ago, when porky Big Brother Uber-Slapper and C**v Goddess Jade Goody was witnessed ambling along the high street, facking and blinding at maximum volume into her moby like it was going out of fashion. Lewisham locals were quite shocked; the C***s hardly batted an eyelid…
Amid this chaos there is hope, gentle reader, for the area is now receiving an influx of new blood from Eastern Europe, who have already latched on to the fact that these arseholes deserve a good kicking, and when they moved in to the area, the first thing that happened was that they immediately began to form gangs, and beat the s**t out of the C**v population. Spasiba, comrades, and keep up the good work!!