Cannock – The King Of All C**v Towns!!!

StaffordshireWest Midlands

Unfortunatley I have lived in Cannock all of my life, 22 years (people don’t get that for murder these days) and I have witnessed it’s demise into a waiting lounge for the Trishia show!

The C**v’s have well and truly taken over the town centre and anywhere else there is and bus shelter to hang around in so that they can roll their ‘green’ and drink their cider! I recently went to watch some friends play a football match in Cannock Park where I counted no less than 17 burberry, von dutch and rockport clad c**v’s marshalling the park designed for under 13’s like some sort of hitler youth organisation and get this after discussing it with the park keeper he informed me that there is a security guard with a dog employed to patrol the park at night, funded by, yep you guessed it the tax payer!

Cannock has recently been awarded a grant of £946,000 from the Heritage Lottery Fund, this is to develop the Chase Heritage Trail which will take in such local landmarks as the Cross Keys Pub and Mill Green, where you will be able to marvel at the cones in the pond, the trolleys and see how the pond life has adapted to living on dry land around the pond and how they have learnt to graffiti trees with comical phrases such as Shazza is weell fit! (it’s true, I have seen that one!)

I have taken it upon myself to revamp the Chase Heritage Trail to the Chase C**v Trail, then all the local councilors can go on it and witness the true state of Cannock and stop coming out with ridiculous comments in the local press!

The Chase C**v Trail
1-Start at 2pm for a drink in the local wetherspoons, you will see an unriviled amount of elizabeth duke soverign and chunky gold chains
2-move onto for a seat in the grounds of St Lukes Church, here you will be able to see single mothers, dodgy tattoos and wineos all in the required c**v clothing!
3-It’s time to have a walk to a living C**v Museum, known as Chadsmoor, this is where trishia researchers are known to hang out for inspiration and guest for upcoming shows!
4-Cannock Stadium, here you can participate in the 110metre herion dash or try the needle vault!
5-Hednesford town centre, this used to be a lovely market town, it’s now a road used for the c**v in a nova to pick up 13year old chavy girls, with gold hoops and a clown necklace!
6-It should be approaching 10pm now, so head back down to Cannock Town centre where yates, the oak and stones will be filling up nicely now with every imaginable type of c**v in their for you to observe, have a drink with one then join in the local ritual of smashing a bottle over each others head, apparently it’s fun and makes you look hard?
7-Leave the pub and piss anywhere you like in the town centre, woolworths window is always a good place!
8-Go and enjoy our local delacascie, the 4 day old keebab, cooked by a c**v robber in the central keebab shop
9-jump into a 15 year old Ford Orion Taxi which has an internal exhaust, just like the Taxis in any Eastern European country
10-Don’t forget to visit the Giftshop on the way out of cannock and pick up your reminder of your trip to Cannock – The King Of All C**v Towns! – here you can purchase your reproduction clown gem pendants, an oversized soverign ring and any style of fake clothing, remember though this gift shop is only open on a sunday morning, it’s the car boot near longford estate, where all the C**v’s gather to discuss the latest fashions and sell all there stolen goods collected in the week leading up to the event!

I hope you enjoy your time in cannock!

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