Cannock: What a hole

Cannock is renowned as the **** capital of the UK, which isn’t far from the truth. This place has great spots where you can [allegedly] see them beating the **** out of the locals, the council workers as well as fellow *****.

They infest the decrepit town centre. It isn’t too uncommon to hear one shouting ‘You f***ing w***ers’ and other colourful phrases. You can also find them at the local bus station as well, often in small herds, where they enjoy intimidating and screaming at other herds of ***** and at the Arriva bus drivers.

Another location is St. Luke’s Church where they can be found resting on benches and often counting their dole money which will undoubtedly be used for cannabis and WKD. One can also spot ***** at the local Church Street McDonald’s, they often congregate on a Friday and Saturday evening. If you’re very lucky, you can even see them fighting in the McDonald’s lobby.

Those who want to learn about their mating habits may want to visit the local park and golf course where they will often engage in coitus in and around the bushes and shrubs.

In terms of shopping and entertainment, the area boasts three Poundland’s, several betting shops and charity shops galore! Because who needs variety? As a consequence, those with a taste for shops such as Next, HMV, Forever 21, Lush or Waterstones (although most from cannock cannot read to benefit from a book store), will be disappointed.

Eating out is simple and limited, the best place to eat is The Podge and Tin, it is one of Cannock’s most popular restaurants. Other than this and the towns three McDonalds and two KFC’s there is a large variety of Indian Restaurants and Chinese Takeaways which are mostly generic and bog standard. Within the town there are a couple of Dessert Cafés which are modelled after the popular Little Dessert Shop.

Those looking for a cheeky tipple will not be disappointed as there are a healthy selection of bars and clubs of varying qualities. Craft Beer and Gin fans will remain thirsty as Cannock does not boast any Craft Pubs or Gin Bars.

My balanced and fair view of Cannock is that it is an utter s***hole and if Kim Jong-Un is thinking of places to Nuke then I’d recommend this steaming pile of **** and I’m certain Theresa May would thank him for the gesture.