I have a unique perspective on Chavness:
– Firstly I come from Cannock,
– My fiancée is living and working in Harlow this year, and
– I am studying in Manchester (having lived in Longsight for 2 Years)
The three areas have several areas of common ground:
– Benefit Fraudsters
– Teenagers getting ‘wasted’ on the streets
– Burberry, Rockport, and those irritating caps
– Excess of young mums
– Novas, Corsas and Escorts all modified by body kits and noisy exhausts
– Burnt stuff (why do the councils always install plastic bins)
– Rammed local pubs
– That C**v smell
In addition each area has its own little specialisation:
Cannock – Ah, Cannock, my hometown. It is the home of several generations of my family, but a bit of a skank hole. When I have been away from Cannock for a while I do slightly miss it. It has a certain charm, that only your home town can ever have for you, and a certain charm that everyone else in the world will never see. Some parts of Cannock aren’t that Chavvy, and in fact are quite nice. Yet if you go to Chadsmoor, Longford or Bridgetown you are overwhelmed by Chavvity. Cars on bricks, Cars that look like they are designed to take off with ‘go faster’ stripes, people speaking in the most annoying and horrible tones imaginable. For a laugh why don’t you visit and go up the Bevan Lee estate, that place and its people define the concept of C**v.
Cannock Town centre on a Friday and Saturday night is also a sight. The people there seem to fall into two groups, you have the ‘Spoons’, Stones, Silks Croud, and then those who tend to stick to the Oak and the White Hart. The second aren’t actually too bad, and consist of people clinging on to the old days, where Cannock was a strong mining town, and I have every sympathy for them(don’t mention a certain Baroness Thatcher). Yet the young ladies (I hesitate to use the word ladies, 99.9% are ladylike at all) and the full on male c***s tend to follow the first route. A typical Cannock C**v male will wear a blue shirt which has a white collar and cuffs, a pair of label jeans and shoes(obviously bought from Allsports) that look like climbing boots, and a giant sovereign ring. A typical Cannock C**v female wears as little as possible. On the whole the evening consists of lager, wickeds(WKD), aftershock and a Central kebab. WARNING – please stay away from Silks, anywhere part owned by Swede assaulting Stan Collymore has to be a bad place.
Harlow – The Essex accent is enough for them to stick out for me, and the constant usage of ‘like’ and ‘innit’. To my disbelief on a rail replacement bus service from Harlow to Tottenham Hale Station (bloody Network Rail unable to keep leaves off the line again) a small group of C***s sat at the back of the coach, proclaiming that the whole experience was stressing them out so much that they had to light up a ‘spliff man’, because they couldn’t last the whole hour. They were going to ‘Walfamstowe’(I know it isn’t spelt like that, but that’s how it came out), which says a lot really. I have to admit, even I found it funny when they offered it to this 60 year old Indian man who got stuck by them. Hearing about their sexual conquests (they seemed about 15, at that age most C**v’s have a couple of kids… at least one on the way) was quite funny, referring to their girlfriends as ‘me girl’. Harlow does have some nice parts though. The A414 is a very pretty road, and the ASDA is the best I have ever been to, its on two levels. Unfortunately ASDA, and the small new development is pretty much the only highlight of this Chavtastic town.
Longsight – Land of Asylum seekers, or mini-Iraq as I like to think of it. The streets are littered with burnt out mattresses, rotting rubbish, young yobbish kids (same thing as the last one really… that’s a bit harsh actually), Irish (I don’t why there are so many, great place to get some pegs or a tarmac drive though), and pissy old men. The sad thing about Longsight is that you can tell it was such a nice area 100 years ago, some of the buildings towards the Victoria Park end are really nice. But the general C**v population has taken over and completely ruined the place. One particular C**v of note had a go at some old bloke in a local corner shop because he was taking too long to choose beer out of the drinks cabinet. Why do the worst ones always have some ridiculous phrase written on their knuckles, and have those blue and white striped tops with a cap, tracksuit bottoms and white trainers.
On the whole I find it hard to decide which place I would deem most Chavtastic. I can’t go for Cannock, because then I would be by definition part C**v. Longsight has far too many foreigners in it to win. I suppose it has to be Harlow, and only because of the absolutely awful Essex accent coming from the town.
My recommendation – Visit Harlow for an utterly memorable Chavexperience.