Canary Wharf – Chav Free Paradise.
This site so far shows examples of how bad planning, bad retailing, and lack of compulsory national service for the terminally stupid can lead to any locality becoming infested with the sort of pond life which should normally only be fund within nuclear fallout zones.
There is hope however, and by taking just a handful of precautions, urban planners can remove the threat of ‘Chavlation’, and I site the Canary Wharf project as a classic example of this.
Canary Wharf at first might appear to be geographically disadvantaged, being as it is on the Isle of Dogs, and surrounded by the pulsating throbbing sores of uber-Chavdom; Shadwell, Millwall, Rotherhithe and basically lets face it, quite a lot of inner London. However, people visiting and working here can enjoy their working or residential lives in a clean professional environment, without the threat of being spat at, stared at, or being told to ‘fackov’ by inbreds clad in man-made fibres.
From the beginning the estate managers probably thought, “in order to attract decent corporate tenants, we must first solve the problem of all these chavs”, and they way they accomplished this was actually alarmingly simple.
Firstly, there is no Macdonald’s on the site. Chavs have been deprived of their main community focal point, and their society has failed to take root. Also the lack of Argos, Halford’s, and ghastly market stalls help to prevent most forms of ‘Chavlic Incursion’.
Another way the planners found to deter Chavs was a complete stroke of Genius; the placing of an enormous sportswear superstore safely out of earshot at Surry keys. This fine, noble selfless establishment acts like a beacon to all the transmigratory Chavs, safely luring them away from Canary Wharf. Another theory is that the vast amounts of nylon kept at the superstore generates some sort of electromagnetic field, drawing in all nylon clad objects from the surrounding areas, but whatever the reason, combining the magnetic effect with some form of dispatch (poisoned Big Macs?) is surely the way forward.
Planners of Canary Wharf, I salute you, and will be raising a (wine) glass to you this evening when I venture into one of the many Chav free bars that the estate has to offer.