Camborne…Home of militant **** carnage

Camborne is plonked on the A30 like a boil on the **** of a tramp. It is situated about three miles west of Redruth in Cornwall.

The **** population are a mixed bunch but by far the most dangerous of them were members of the Cornish terrorist/sepratist movement known as An Goff.

An Goff is the name of an ancient Cornish rebel. (Michael Joseph An Goff of St Keverne). He was a local smithy who marched towards London with many men to protest the terrible conditions faced by Cornish tin minors. Having beaten Henry V11’s calvary at Guildford he became over ambitious and decided to take on the government forces in London. As a result he and his men were soundly beaten at Blackheath and ****, drawn and quartered.

How grim is your Postcode?

The new An Goff “terrorists” had never been much of a credible force and their one chance to make a name for themselves backfired in a display of incredible ineptitude.

I forget the year this tale occurred in but it was in the 1970’s. Enraged by the fact that “outsiders” were smarter than them and were buying up prime real estate and developing it into thriving, money making businesses, An Goff decided to act. They met in a telephone box (there were not many of them) to discuss “tactics” for their strike against the “Emmets” — Non Cornish). Their average age was 17.

Having hatched a deadly plan they drove to the popular beach at Portreath and lined the sands with hundreds of broken bottles and bits of glass hidden just beneath the surface.

They went home on their mopeds and drank copious amounts of cider as a celebration. Unfortunately, they had failed to check the weather forcast. For the next two weeks it rained solidly as a series of gales swept in from the Atlantic and battered the coast. The result was, that all the tourists went home and no new ones took their places. At the end of the two week gale period the sun came back with a vengence and all the locals flocked to the beach at Portreath. Many a Cornish foot needed treatment and many of those feet belonged to local children.

Stupidly, An Goff decided to claim responcibility. Their reign of terror was the shortest in living memory. Members of An Goff were spotted by locals almost every day for months to come. They were the ones wearing plaster casts on their legs and arms and sporting broken noses, missing teeth, broken fingers and other injuries inflicted by pissed off locals.

If there is a moral to this tale it’s this: ***** are **** at terrorism.

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