Like many other areas across the UK, Camberley has now officially been infected by a very strong case of plebitus. You cannot go anywhere in Camberley without seeing some form of evidence, be it ‘shaz 4 daz’ scratched on a lamp post or a chav and his inbred ‘brovs’ almost running you down in a happy hardcore pumping MOT failed Nova GTE that resembles Darth Vaders helmet morphed with a locust. The A30 is a main road running through central Camberley, on one side live normal people, the other side is ‘keaven’ – The Old Dean. Approaching this no mans land a horizon of council flats appears, near these flats is Collingwood College, the local chav school or ‘breeding ground’. I have never crossed this border on foot (and never plan on it), to be honest I would more chance of crossing the S/N Korean border and living. Near here is the common, a local gathering place for chavs to walk their dogs, the entire area seems to be constantly strewn with charred cars from BMWs to white vans stolen by yobs on Saturday nights.
There are many activities for chavs and chavettes in Camberley, this is why they are thriving. From robbing the A to Z discount store to getting yourself banned from Mc Donalds everything chav is possible. A good selection of fake gold jewelery is available from Argos and clothing from ‘JJB superstore’ and ‘Tammi Girl’ (where else!), there are also numerous places to loitter and cause trouble. The most effective being wide open spaces from where they can easily be seen by all and shout comments at non-chav passers, such as ‘oi you facy’ (can any chavs translate that into sense for me please!). They have become smart and realised the most effective way to make trouble is to cross the A30 front and try and prove the point they own this country to. I will happily pay taxes for the road outside my house, but not for a bunch of unemployed plebs to sit on it and get stoned. Keep on your own side of the A30 chavs, stop using Byker Grove as a guide to life, get different clothes and get f*****g jobs!!
I worked at the petrol station next to Pantiles (a local pleb nightclub), here I realised how much of an underclass exists. Stoner chavs attempting to claim free Rizlas (Sorry guys, you can’t get those from the government as well!), pregnant plebettes attempting to jack cakes and when caught warning you they will call the police for harassment! Mini skivs attempting to buy packets of ‘Mayfair’ or an occaisional bottle of cider at 9 years of age then warning they will get their older brother Lee Travon to ‘rubbish me’ if I don’t serve them. The most disturbing thing is that not once did a chav purchase condoms, which explains quite alot.
I once worked with a Camberley chav, I said ‘if you could have anything what would it be’, he answered ‘a pair of golden reebok classics’. What a surprise! After this he decided to tell me his uncle owned a golden airplane he travels round in, sounds quite belivable doesn’t it!! (This must be the chavs dream – to fly in a fake plastic gold airplane to Ibiza). I have asked many chavs what they will do with there lives, many answering ‘keep it real’, keep what real? What the hell?! The only thing they are keeping real is the menace to society.
Camberley has a roaring chav nightlife, on the weekend a plebgrimage from nearby council flats in: Slough, Farnborough, Aldershot and worst of all Bracknell occurs. You can guarantee the police will be out in force, even bringing riot vans to sort out the sub humans. They will dress in their best clothes – Ben Sherman shirts with their shinniest pair of classics to woo the chavettes. As the night goes on chavs will appear in their modded Corsas and Novas (or even possibly the ‘pikes on bikes’ – mopeding plebs are rife in Camberley, they cruise the mean streets on their neon 50cc aprillas trying to impress people, forget the hells angels – watch out for hell chavs!). These motorised townies will then drive the ‘Camberley Circuit’ up and down the highstreet topless with R’N’B or Happy Hardcore blarring out at full volume, I think this is a sort of low life mating ritual. At 2am numerous fights will occur and onslaughts with the police will begin. After a fight the chavs must go to the kebab van in their Novas and shout racist comments at the workers to prove how ‘welard’ they are to the chavettes. Now the plebs will travel back to their council flats and mate producing another benefit hungry gav baby continuing their world domination plan.
I was once reading the Camberley news, which these days appears to be full of stories about pensioners houses being robbed and vauxhall Astras being stolen (I just can’t figure out whos doing it all?!), I then found an article about some guy I think was called called Gavin, this person really was a pleb. He appeared to be an ultra-chav, apparently one of his past-times was torching the Collingwood school mini bus, he had been caught tresspassing on Collingwood College grounds some 27 times (I didn’t think chavs liked school?) and had so many prosecutions the article had to say ‘and so on’. What is this guy achieving through this? I am assuming that this ‘person’ is a legend amoung Camberley chavs, I refuse to pay taxes to keep this scum on benefits which he will spend on White Lightning and Super Skunk. I guess if your a chav the more criminal convictions you have the lower the chance of employment, so you can stay on benefits and cause trouble all day (they are starting to get smart!). This fool claimed he ‘rules Camberley’, I’m not sure if stealing anything valuable in sight and then burning everything else could really be classed as ruling, reading this article brought me to the conclusion that Camberley has one major claim to fame, it owns the king of chavs! HRH Gavin!!
Waiting in the drive through line at McDonalds and chav appears topless with a nipple ring and tattoos on his neon yellow moped and parks up outside, he then takes off his neon helmet to reveal his spotty shaven head with giant hoop ear rings, he then walks into the McDonalds topless like he has something up his ass and orders one cheeseburger and walks out. What is this guy doing? Is this how chavs impress chavettes? Camberley council purchased glass bus stops recently, ever since I barely ever see one without something vandallised on it, assuming someone has not thrown a brick through it!
Driving past pantiles nightclub at 50mph, an unaware drunken pleb walks on the curb. My friend throws a banana out the car window and nails the pleb straight in the bollocks, he falls to the ground while his kappa clothed chavette screams ‘oi you f*****g stuck up posh boy w*****s’ (or something along those lines). No were not posh boys, we are normal, we didn’t rise above you but you fell bellow us you morons. Get jobs, find your parents, stop reproducing and when you have saved enough go and live in Ayia Napa.
The 10 commandments for a Camberley Chav:
1 – At all costs avoid the job centre.
2 – Always let your presence be known by smashing something or shouting comments. ‘Oi you w****r’ is the most effective.
3 – If you can afford a car buy only a Nova, if a car is unaffordable buy only a 50cc moped and spray it neon yellow.
4 – When paying for an item with a £5 note, wait for your change and then claim you gave a £20 note.
5 – Breed as often as possible and under no circumstance remember your partners name.
6 – If anyone looks at you defend your ‘rep’ by attempting to start a fight.
7 – Use your benefits to buy anything to get wasted on as often as possible.
8 – When bored go forth over the A30 in classics and Kappa to terrorise normal ‘stuck up’ people.
9 – Avoid school from the youngest age possible, then blame the government for you unemployment in later life.
10- Make regular visits to Frimley and Aldershot ‘cruises’ (car park meetings in Novas).
Well I hope I have described Camberley well enough for you, its not the worst (Bracknell) , but its definatley up their somewhere and on its way to the top. I now live in the Middle East, to be honest I would prefere to share my neighbourhood with terrorists than chavs, at least terrorists have a reason for wanting to fight me.
I would finally like to thank the plebite piece of s**t that broke into my house in Camberley and stole my Playstation / DVD player / DVDs. Thank you so much for making yourself welcome.