Ok, so maybe I do have only myself to blame, but I recently took the plunge and bought my own house. The only trouble is, it is in the wonderful picturesque town of Burnham on Sea. Ok, maybe its not that picturesque afterall!!
Oh Christ. I’ve gone from bad to worse. (I previously lived in Reading.)
As you enter the town from the M5, You can see northern Chavs with their crappy caravans parked in a field next to the motorway. Imagine a 2 week break from the chav infested council estates up north, sitting in a field with 6 lanes of traffic 200 yards from your tent! Not exactly relaxing is it.
The town itself is one “high” street long filled with tat shops galore, bakers, and shoe shops selling the most seriously hideous shoes, tailored to meet the demands of the chav shopper with money burning a hole in their burburry handbags. Imagine a pair of stilletos with 3″ heels, which are elasticated around the top. Now imagine them a patent metallic gold, silver or magenta. These shops must be either mad, or finely in tune with the shopping demand of the Brummie chav. My sister and I had to leave the shop for fear of being kicked out as we were laughing so much!
The breed of Chav to come here really is the lowest of the low, and in the summer thay descend en mass down the M5 in their Novas, escorts and modeos, often trailing a 20 year old caravan in a state of disrepair, having sat on bricks on the chavs council house driveway for the past few years. Northern Chavs really are in a league of their own. We are talking scraping the barrel Trisha fodder at its best. It wouldn’t surprise me if most have them have been on Trisha already, or at least know someone who has. Especially those fantastic editions with 4 male 17 year olds in a DNA testing special. Burburry and Von Dutch aplenty, the local area is awash with young mums on benefit, usually with one child in a burburry or animal print lined buggy, and the other four running amock, as she screams at them through the fag hanging out of her mouth. Huge gold jewellery is a must, and they can’t be seen without wearing at least 5 pounds of it in weight. Necklaces seem to breed around the chavs necks, and “Mr T” seems to be the look intended by most. Earrings by the dozen on each ear are a common sight, and scraped back hair for the ladettes is permanently in vogue.
Today I went to Brean, which is another local crappy seaside resort awash with caravan sites and complimentary clubhouses. There was a market which I now know, is aimed specifically at the Chav shopper. There was more tat than I could take in. Burburry socks, thongs, bags, baseball caps (obviously) and blankets all available at very reasonable prices ladies and gentlemen. Von Dutch gear at bargain basement prices. Tatty ornaments lined the way, with numerous stands buckling under the weight of illegal DVDs including films not yet released all for a fiver! (Quality not garuanteed!!) The chavs were snapping all this crap up, and the majority of the crowds were to be found aroung the “hallmarked” gold stands. You can imagine the type of jewellery on offer. Elizabeth Duke eat your heart out.
The culinary delights on offer covered a chavs complete dietary intake. In other words Burgers (I can’t really say whether they were beef or not, as god only knows what was in them), roast hog, egg and bacon butties each with a pound of butter, chips, more chips, and “donuts” (advertised with a picture of Homer Simpson, of which I’m sure no copyright laws have been broken. Yeah right!!!)
Of course, there were loads of buggies and kids (christ they stand no chance, poor buggers.) Why is it most chavs seem to be unable to walk, preferring to amble there way along therefore preventing the normal person who is able to stand upright from walking at a normal pace. Stooping appears to be the normal posture for a chav. This place was heaving with the worst breed of chavs, so by the time we got out I was ready to start screaming!
Burnham on Sea and Brean are, without doubt, the most chav filled holiday destinations in England. You will not be disappointed if you pay us a visit!!