North EastYorkshire

We have front row seats for this theater of mass destruction.

The immense increase in house prices here make me hope that they will sell up and get out of dodge, but I fear they may well just remortgage and finally have enough money for the bling they all so greatly desire.

The churches are strategically placed on all entrances to this lovely place. This is not because we are religious, this is to administer the “Last Rights” on the way in to save time later.

How grim is your Postcode?

A friend of mine from the notoriously rough Moss Side in Manchester, when accused of living in a rough area by me, retorted that Moss Side was where the soft lads from Brighouse go to have a night off.

One of the more memorable nights out in Brighouse was observing a group of lads drinking, and one shouted out “The guy with the smallest penis buys the next round”. Amazingly this poorly endowed chap kept dropping his pants through the evening and having to buy the rounds.

If you are planning to visit Brighouse in the near future, and are thinking of going for a few drinks, please check the following rules to ensure your safety.

1. If you are not in possession of a presidential style bodyguard crew, then stay in your home/hotel/mate’s house you are visiting and drink some cans.
2. Hair is a luxury, not a right. Anyone who has hair longer than a typical “number 2” must be very wealthy or an outsider.
3. Ensure you pay for your beers with nothing greater than a £5 note. Even this amount may class you as wealthy.
4. Do not look anyone in the eye. This, in the language of the Brighouse Lad, is an invite for a fight.
5. Do not wear anything that makes you stand out. Far from wearing actual military camouflage, which will only result in a larger number of attackers in the toilets, the best option is for jeans and t-shirt.
6. No excessive Bling. These people do not follow a **** code. If they see someone wearing too much **** Style, they will know they are an outsider.
7. Do not speak above a whisper. This is fairly obvious. Try to also avoid comments like “That guy over there has been eyeballing me for the last 15 minutes.” and ensure you have visited one of our churches before saying “This place doesn’t seem that rough to me”

Upon being sniffed out as either wealthy, an outsider, or a target for another reason (Possibly random), then you will observe the following chain of events…

Initially you will be stared at and talked about for approx 15mins. After this initial period, if you have not become uncomfortable and left, you will then be greeted by the comforting words “You’re not from around here, are you?” At this point, unless you have observed rule 1, I would suggest leaving now would increase your chance of survival. If you have not received this greeting within the alloted timescale, then you may find you are coming into contact with a glass based object shortly after.

Do not trust the pair walking around in flourescent yellow police uniforms. The real police officers have probably been beaten up and dumped in the canal along with a miriad of shopping trolleys, broken TV’s and old people mugged for their pension books.

Places to avoid in Brighouse : Anywhere outside

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