Bridgwater, take your time driving through (with the doors locked)

I am most surprised given the prominence of the notoriety that no-one has yet nominated glorious Bridgy. Bridgwater must be seen in the flesh to be believed. Where else in the UK would even the locals bother to alter the oddly-pentagon-shaped town name sign with a line through BW and replace it with Bosnia / Beirut etc

Where else would be voted “Britains smelliest town” by [a media organisation we can’t name] courtesy of the Cellophane factory on its eastern boundary, (and the approximately 70000 unwashed armpits of its 40odd thousand residents). One must take the time to drive (with doors locked) through the estates of Sydenham (best viewed from Parkway) and Hamp (Rhode Lane) to marvel at the creativity and destruction of the residents. However, no responsibility can be accepted for any loss or damage incurred to your mental or physical health, caused from visiting these places, enter at ones own risk.

Its true, its official… large sections of 1960s east London sink estates were being transported by road to the Bristol channel for deposition and destruction, only to be granted last minute reprive by the unsuspecting and naive RSPCA who feared the disposal in the mouth of the Severn would seriously harm the estuary wildlife. Instead the filth ridden structures (and their inhabitants) were dumped around the peaceful country market village of Bridgwater (whose residents immediatly fled to the safety of nearby Taunton) and allowed to survive and mutate into the “**** of the South West” in architectural, economical, cultural and demographical terms.

In order to qualify for residential status and to aid your smooth intergration into this microclimate of violence, betting shops, [a brand of white cider we can’t name] alcoholism, illegitimate (in)breeding and other social misdemeanour, one must achieve or obtain;

  1. minimum of three criminal convictions, one of which MUST be violence related and non-summary; Failure to provide proof of trial beyond magistrate court level results in immediate ostracization and eventual fire-bombing of ones former residence.
  2. The ownership of a tenth-hand Ford Focus fitted with minimum of 500 watt sound system, ill-fitting bodykit and alloy wheels procured by means of theft, deception, or fraud. The additon of a flashing light on the roof for extra god-status amongst local boy racers during the carnival and fayre week can provide a substantial boost to ones social credentials within the **** community (and w*nker gestures from tourists or Tauntonites).
  3. Uniform to consist of Seconds designer-outlet garments available at Clarks Village in nearby Street; brands of choice may include Nike, Kappa, LaCoste or any Football team of top-ten premiership status.
  4. At least one child, illegitimate or otherwise. This will provide sustainment and longer-term survival prospects for the Bridgwater resident and greater prospects for the procurement of state benefits. However, moderation is the key to success – an upper limit of six children is recommended to respect longer-standing residents status in the mile-long queue to the premises of the local DSS.

Ne’er-do-wells can expect long term prospects in Bridgwater; All Public Houses allegedly welcome fights, wall-to-wall vomiting, beer throwing and sexual promiscuity in the Ladies facilities. In addition, the local produce of Cider is bound to make any prospective feel welcome; with local farms offering allegedly hallucinogenic varieties affectionately known as Tone Vale Tonic – named after the former nut-house before it closed in the early 1990s and threw 99% of its inmates into the community of Bridgwater, where strangely enough they adapted well and took on the regular behavioural characteristics of the new breed of natives. The drive-in McDonalds can satisfy both the nutritional and social-interactive needs of the all the family, with Lidl and Kwiksave stores nearby for all the necessary household essentials.

Famous residents include a man who pretends to be a bus by running in the middle of the road clasping an invisible steering wheel, Grotbags from obscure 1980s childrens TV programme Marmalade Atkins(?!?) and Kiddie-Fiddling pop star Gary Glitter, need one continue? Every September a ***** “lovely travelling folk” fest graces the town in the form of a gigantic funfair to provide duty free cigarettes, stolen car stereos and further illegitimate offspring to Bridgwaters’ kinsfolk.

The areas to avoid include;

  • McDonalds Carpark – off A37 near the Cross Rifles Pub (as glorious and friendly as it sounds).
  • Cornhill / High street – beware of ruts in tarmac caused by repetitive passings of tenth-hand ford focus’.
  • Halfords carpark (during and out of opening hours; for all retail and racing / burn-out requirements.
  • Blakes / Esso service station; Old Taunton Road
  • Anywhere in Hamp / Sydenham estates

Entertainment – establishments allegedly offering a minimum of multiple fights along with sticky carpets and the finest local attitude on-tap;

  • Blue Boar
  • Sportsman
  • Cross Rifles
  • Valiant Soldier
  • Cobblestones
  • Great Escape

More to follow…

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