“When a man is tired of Brentford – he’s tired of death.”
If you think Dagenham’s chock full of chavs, try journeying to the other end of London! Brentford, on the western outskirts of the city, is the real deal!
It was near here that a man was set alight and burned to death recently – probably for dissing some whey-faced, Kappa-clad ratboy over his garish taste in jewellery.
Anyone more familiar with Brentford than they might wish to be will concur that it’s the absolute arse-end of nowhere. I travel here to work every day, but hurry back across the barricades the moment my working day is over!
Probably the most appalling aspect of this godawful place is the lack of even the most basic amenities any self-respecting chav considers essential to life. That means no McDonalds, non-existent nightlife and a longish bus-ride to replenish his wardrobe with the ugliest garb available to humanity.
So Brentford chavs have to improvise their brutish pleasures. This means they take to the streets, which throng constantly with a veritable carnival of sub-humanity. Think Venice in summer, or the teeming boulevards of Paris, only populated by gangs of hooting gibbons in shell-suits.
Because the chavs here can’t easily escape to other parts of west London (must be deliberate policy by the surrounding boroughs) they fester here instead, spawning their own micro-species. Everywhere you go in this place groups of shaven-headed, tattooed brutes (and that’s just the women) gather menacingly. All the slappers dress in cutting edge female chav fashion of unfeasibly low-slung jeans and boob tubes ending way above the waist; their podgy stomachs spilling through the gap like toothpaste out of a tube. Their menfolk, by comparison, are hunched dwarves, perhaps owing to a lifetimes’ diet of chicken McNuggets and Irn Bru.
Nightlife means bussing to Shepherd’s Bush or Hammersmith. The pubs and clubs here do a nice line in karaoke and “get shitfaced for a fiver”. After hours it’s a puke, a fight, a kebab and a shag – often simultaneously.
Take pity on yourself, avoid this place at all costs!