Living in Bourne, Lincolnshire
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in East Midlands, Lincolnshire, United Kingdom

Bourne is pretty much the epicentre of the world or at least that’s the way the community of Bourne see it anyway.  This low life breeding hell hole is just about the most detached moron infested chav dwelling place on earth.  Alarm bells were first ringing when I was greeted by two kids playing duelling banjos on the well head green.

For starters everybody in this town is related to one another they’re all brothers and sisters !!!!! every 15 yr old girl is called chanaide or charmonnay and has 2 nippers each.

The lads in this town on the other hand, have a fashion sense but its just unfortunate it’s stuck in the 1980’s when curtains with an undercut of blade 1 was just about acceptable.  Another brilliant aspect of this town, is that the locals have their own language.  They have narrowed the english language down to its bare bones.  This is to save on having to communicate, so to give an example, “hello my friend how are you today” becomes “ARIGHT SKIN”, don’t be shocked if everyone in Bourne is referred to as skin, ber, blue, chief, guv, boss or dad.

The crowning element of this shite hole is the male contingency aged from 18 to 50, who have never been outside the boundaries of Bourne, because if they ever did, they would get a sudden feeling of inadequacy and people would frown upon them beating up kids of 10 and below to look hard.

Most of them reside in one of two delightful drinking establishments The Oak and the good old RED LION.  Now this pit is home to many festering oxygen thieves, who after a hard day down at the local packing factory putting bananas in boxes, down as much stella as possible then decide on which 15 year old girl they are gonna take home and impregnate, with a maybe a couple of fights and kebabs for dessert.

P.S if anyone feels like dropping a nuke on this place feel free.

Some other interesting facts :

  • *Girls in Bourne (if that’s what some of them are) generally will sleep with everyone and anything and will date a boy, then his mates all in sequence so if you would like to be in the cycle, take a number and she’ll be as quick as possible.
  • *when talking to locals, try not to mention if you come from outside the Bourne postcode they will hang you in the centre (not really). Also ensure you swear at least 15 times per paragraph.
  • *When in any drinking establishment, make sure to order Stella and pints of it, so not to give away anything. I had a friend that ordered a vodka and lime once… messy.
  • *You’ll have to excuse the woman in this town they haven’t heard of thongs and they are unable to speak at a normal volume as of yet.
  • * Another glorious pub is the Burghley.  Remember kids, if you’ve started puberty, you’re (allegedly) too old for this place.
  • Anyway, now you know a little more about Bourne, I hope you will stay away from this peasant ridden outback deliverance style town.