Blackpool – Redux

LancashireNorth West

Barra has written a fine article on this hellhole, but being a nit-picker I should point out that I nominated this dump on 7th July. I mentioned in my previous article that I was being forced to re-visit this pit of Chavdom again this year, and while the unhappy memories are fresh in my mind I’ll chuck in a few experiences of my own.
This year, we left my kids with the rest of the family as they headed off to the ironically named Pleasure Beach (it’s neither), and decided to walk from South to North Pier and back. As Kurtz said, “The horror! The horror!” We took the Town side first; C***s everywhere (Von Dutch very much the flavour of the month here); hordes of Fortune Tellers, most worryingly bearing the same surname and claiming to be the genuine article; amusement arcades with built in ‘restaurants’, just to save you moving too far away from your bingo card. Also stacks of single and double buggies with C***s attached and containing crying C**v babies, all with the obligatory decorations. Then the town – a random, straggling collection of crap shops, most notably the incredible HoundsHill Shopping Centre. This is full of p***y shops and if you would like to see the sheer quality of its Chavness please visit its website on Top tat!
Had a couple of pints for lunch in the Yates’ by the North Pier which has a gorgeous purple exterior decor. It looked the least threatening of the pubs we found, but dread to think what it’s like at night. Walked back on the beach side; disappointed not to see the bottom of the Tower, they seem to have put a tatty building around it. Got stalked by a wierdo in a nice bright orange Von Dutch tee – probably wanted my camera. Managed to lose him (not difficult) on the South Pier. Saw a lovely lady with a skirt so short you could – literally – see her a**e. All to the constant accompaniment of polyphonic mobiles ringing, people shouting into them and the constant drone of the Pleasure Beach.
Lastly ventured into Pleasure Beach to make sure that kids hadn’t been killed by a defective ride (they hadn’t), which reminded me why we didn’t stay there long last year. If there ever was a cess pool of Chavdom, this is it. managed to make a quick exit, drove back to the hotel (outside Preston)and settled in for a quiet evening drinking.
Thank God the parents won’t be 70 again – I won’t ever visit Blackpool again.

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