This simply has to be said.

Beddington is a wad of spit wedged dribbling between Croydon and Carshalton which is quite well known throughout the south of London. Arrive in **** style by bunking the tramlink to Ampere Way, step out and make absolutely sure you are wearing a dust mask.

The smog in Beddington is horrendous. The future residents of the surrounding areas will be certain why temperatures get unbearably hot in summers to come – CFCs and greenhouse gases smothering the atmosphere as the sun begins to enjoy lifelong sado-masochistic intercourse with holes in the ozone layer.

The tram stop is a local stop for the Purley Way. This is what you see – Ikea, B&Q, Warner Village Cinemas, Croydon Megabowl, and last but not least, a McDonalds which serves as both a drive-thru AND a seated restaurant. Quite evidently, this is **** heaven.

You’ll notice Ikea is home to two gargantuan towers, which can be seen from miles around. The Purley Way Ikea used to be a factory, so these towers were once steaming – before the hundreds of cars parked in the complex began filling the atmosphere with carbon monoxide. In other words, when they could give off more smoke without choking everyone who walked within 100 yards of the place.

Purley Way during the day and night are very different. During the day, you can’t see a film without tearing your hair out, can’t walk into any warehouse without being screeched at by accident by one of many voluminous mothers of 12, and certainly can’t enjoy a snack anywhere, so make sure you bring sandwiches (wrapped in lead foil).

At night, make sure you stay relatively sober if you value your life. It’s a dangerous place with all the parked cars (the drivers of which are often totally trollied by this time) speeding around the place, and get into a heated discussion, barfight or a “game” of “football” with some collapsing ***** outside one of the many pseudo-stylistic restaurants and you will be in mortal peril.

Behind the Purley Way are yet more contibutors to the poison in the air – industrial estates. Factories, warehouses and the odd shoddy business park, all placed worryingly close to an unfortunate primary school. Take a walk down croydon road towards Wallington Green, and you’ll walk past Beddington Park, which is strategically placed to border with Beddington Sewage Treatment Plant. The “river” Wandle flows through this park before disappearing under new settlements in Hackbridge, passing through a boating lake which is a pathetic failed attempt to mimic the serpentine.

Just keep walking and go look at Carshalton instead. It’s nice there.

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