Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in East Anglia, Essex, United Kingdom

Basildon truly is the chav capital of essex. Chavs can be commonly spotted *anywere*. Basildon truely is one of the only places on earth where the whole town is a chav hangout. Basildon is possibly the easiest place to find, just head down the A127, find a chavedwagon and follow it. If you cannot find a chavwagon (very unlikely) then Basildon can be located by opening your window or turning on the air vents and following the smell of that is like no other (imagine burning, rubbish dump and human excrement all rolled in to one evil twang). The chav central point of Basildon is the festival leisure park, here can be found the Biggest nightclubs in Basildon, Ikon and Diva. The chavs don’t go in, no they cannot afford it, they hang about outside impressing their mates with the bolt on extras to their rust filled Nova’s and trying as hard as possible to pull a wheelspin. When the clubs close, the now drunk-on-cheap-cider chavs are on hand to rob the clubbers so that they can afford their next purchase from halfords ripspeed or burberry baseball cap, while the chavettes stand back shouting g’won dean, ‘ave im and the chavs mates rev their engines to spur the theiving chav on.

Chavwagons, there only a few simple rules here, must be a car that can be obtained for a few quid and cannot exceed an engine size of 1.2L, then bulky new bumpers and side skirts are added, bonus point here if the chav fails to spray them the same colour as the rest of the car. Can’t afford to lower the car? Just extend the bumpers and sides to the floor instead. After the outside has been done then the inside is attacked. Lots of cheap shiney bits from ripspeed are installed to make the car look as bling as possible and the loudest soundsystem possible is installed from dole money and nicked cash from clubbers. 6×9’s are a must on the rear parcel shelf to show that the chavs car is mean and can ‘ave it! Finally a backwards-burberry-baseball capped chav driver with young chavette biatch is installed to complete the look. The biatch is there purely to hurl abuse at other motorists and pedestrians in order to start a fight for her chav boyfriend to sort out. Fortunately in Basildon, 99% of the time, this results in Chav on Chav violence, resulting in one of them getting badly hurt.

Other areas in Basildon to avoid, Vange, McDonalds on the mayflower industrial estate and anywhere in Pitsea.

Best advice is to drive past Basildon quickly so they they don’t nick your blingin’ alloys ay!