Ashton under Lyne

Ashton Under Lyne has got to be in contention for the ‘birthplace of ****’. To say it is overrun by ***** is an understatement and on any outing to the shop for example, you are bound to see at least 10 ***** congregating round the entrance with their tracky bottoms tucked into their fake buberry socks and Rockies on. The only exception to this is when one of the ***** is electronically tagged, then they roll their trackie legs up to show it off and wear it with pride.

The makers of stripey tops have made a mint round here with Paul and Shark, Lacoste, Elesse and Henri Lloyd making an absolute killing. It is **** law round here that tracksuits must be sported with a stripey top, dri fit cap (worn at a daft angle), loads of sovereign rings and a gold chain worn outside the stripey top, Rockports usually do the trick for footwear but failing that Nike shox will suffice. If you are a female **** you must wear all of the above but have the added addition of a pair of massive 9 carrat gold hoops wth a name like ‘Jodie Lee’ tastefully added onto the inside.

The favourite past times of ***** in this corner of the world are smokin endless bags of weed, gettin pissed on the cheapest brandy possible(bought in half bottles from the shops they hang around outside). Pawning their grans stuff in a cash convertor and racing round residential streets at 70mph on their 10cc mopeds, no helmets required of course. Most female ***** have already got 2 kids by the time they leave school so their social life is restricted to takin the kids down the pub everyday and flicking through the Argos catalogue to source more pendants and rings with ‘worlds best mum’ written on them. It is **** law round here that all children of ***** must know 25 swear words before the age of 4.

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Some of the ***** that actually work for a living, (for instance, packing sausages for 55 hours a week at Kerry Foods) can afford to upgrade from the obligatory Henri Lloyd to a Prada or Stone Island Jacket, which they spend virtually a months wages on, this is a completely different class of **** known as a ‘weekend Prada wearer’. The Weekend Prada wearer will also snort cocaine (or chisel as they call it) all weekend in addition to smokin endless bags of weed. It is **** law that the only music you can listen to is early 90’s happy hardcore/techno, drum and bass, Tupac or 50 cent.

When an Ashton **** has a fight which is approximately every hour, on the hour, they will always threaten that they know, ‘half of Salford’ and that with just one phonecall on their Nokia 8210 (which is ******* on a cord round their neck) they will be down. Failing that they are always a distant relative of some notorious Moss side gang such as ‘The Gooch’ or ‘Quality Street gang’ and they would be down if only they had some credit. As you can see Ashton is an absolute Mecca for all things ****, come and have a look round you won’t be disappointed.

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This sad little excuse for a town had to build a second Gregg’s to cope with the demand.
The shops in the undercover shopping arcade wont agree to a ban on smoking because they say they will lose most of their customers. This results in 40 stone ********* blowing their putrid park royal *** smoke into your face whilst dragging “Chesssssney yer fekking likkle **** “towards the nearest JD sports/ Chavdonalds and also the various stomach churning outdoor burger bars where you can recline on a plastic garden chair that cost a £1 in Wilkos.
In addition Ashton seems to encourage these twats by organising many many town centre “festivals” whereby the munters stand slack jawed in wonderment at the vast and colourful array of people on stilts,steel bands and people dressed up as a **** Dr Who.

Its rubbish!

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this little hell hole has that many ****’s that allsports put 2 shops there just round the corner from each other. this small market town use 2 have a market hall till a bunch of ****’s burnt it down. by day the town is full of ****’s by there trackies from 1 of the 2 allsports or jjb, or jd sports and there fake bubbery from the market. but u cant **** a friday night in ashton for *****. they all go to a club which opens its doors from 7-9 for the younger *****. this is where they all like 2 go and drink coke as well as the odd bit of foolin around like 12 year olds having *** in toilets (yep it happened my non **** m8 use 2 work at the club). later on after the younger coke drinkin ***** have gone 2 bed. the older ***** descend in 2 ashton to get drunk and smash shop windows. i reckon this is one of the biggest **** towns going!

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I’m very surprised and astonished to see that Ashton-under-Lyne in Greater Manchester has not been added to this site.

As you can imagine, Manchester gave us the **** (here-on in, referred to as bods), with its horrid ‘mad for it’ accent.

In Ashton, bods have a packing order. It seems that the more ‘dappa’ gear you can afford, the higher in the packing order you will be. ‘The leader’ tends to wear bright white training shoes with some kind of jogging trouser. His/her socks must be pulled up over the bottom of the trouser leg to reveal, presumably, the fact that they are in fact brand name sock and not cheap ones. On the top, Helly Hanson bubble jackets, with the hood pulled up is a must, even when it’s hot. The lower tear of bod wear the same stuff apart from the shoes, bods in the lower packing order will wear Timberland or Rockport boots instead of training shoes.

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Bods in Ashton like to entertain them selves in various ways, seemably, depending on the day. On weekdays, bods like to entertain themselves by harassing shoppers in the town centre, whilst at the same time, cunning avoiding police and truant officers.

On weeknights, bods like to hang around outside shops accosting customers to persuade them to buy ten Lambert and a two letre bottle of cider. When this mission is completed, they like to sit on park benches, getting intoxicated and mocking passers by. They also indulge in a little fighting on street corners and vandalism. At the weekends, bods like to hang around outside mcdonalds with a small coke each. Another weekend pass time is see how many bods can fit into a fiesta xr2 and drive around at mental speeds.

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