Testing, testing, ‘ello ladies and gentleman, welcome to Ashford, we are currently goin’ through the highstreet, I apologise for the mass of peugeot 205’s congesting ‘da area, but if you look to the right, you will see the maginificent kwik-save, everyfink’ in the shop is at the lowest value possible, and that’s not only the prices, you can buy your weekly shopping for under a tenner, yes ladies n gentlemen, you ‘eard me, a tenner, so a stop will be made there after the tour for you eager ****’s to rush in, please stomp your **** out on the doormat, as unfortunatly smoking aint’ permitted inside the store, the car-park of kwik-save is uniquely decorated with over 20 rat and fly ridden wheely bins, and if you turn to your left, you will see a group of well ‘ard ***** beating the **** out of those Marilyn Manson wannabee’s, clap your ‘ands for that dedicated **** who just battered ‘dat goffick boi.
Right naw, we are passing ANUPAM, right ladies ‘n’ gentleman, this is just the spot for buying ya bling-bling, ‘dey ‘av everyfink’, from sovereigns, to dollar chains, it is ‘da ultimate spot for **** jewels.
So get your *** down der, if you know what I mean.
Now if ya crane your hoody wearin’ ‘eads round, you’ll see woolworths, naw my lovlies, it’s a bit expensive in der for us *****, so prepare to be given a few dirty looks, from ‘dem higher class peoples.
If you need some new clobber for party or sumink, madhatters is the place to go, it’s like proper cheap, and the clothes are like 100% **** stylee, and they do baby clothes aswell, so don’t you young bling wearin’ muvva’s be worrying, you ‘av all the clobber you’ll be needing right ‘ere.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, you may now take a look around, make sure you all take a burberry cap from the bins at the back for your own personal safety, the only way to get some respect around ‘ere is to dress like the **** themselve, unless you wanna get knocked up like that goffick kid we saw earlier do you.
So put on your caps, and be sure to walk down to woodlands park area, coz that’s like the main hangout spot for *****, and you won’t get caught breaking benches, or graffin’ on the climbing frame, and other recommended area’s are kwik-save, and the lovely ANUPAM.
‘Av a nice day and don’t go messing with ‘da townies if you know what I mean.