Analysis of the Yeovil C**v population

SomersetSouth West

Yeovil is over-run with C***s. I would say the percentage is 70% C**v, 25% Mattilow (Due to Yeovilton) and the other 5% being the normal people who have to walk through Middle Street with their heads bowed to avoid confrontation if male and being ‘holla’d @’ if you’re female. Another thing to be cautious of is being trampled by double prams and being pushed into the walls of Bastins trying to escape from the path of on-coming XXXX-swilling, shell-suit and baseball cap-wearing, “blinging” teen lads.

Common hang-outs (that I am so far aware of):

-The Beech Tree, behind the Church in town. This is an excellent place to sit and get drunk during the day because no-one thinks to look there *giggle*… Little do they know that we actually all do know… (… And also a good place to have a quickie when leaving ‘LeJardin’…… Or a piss)
-The Tesco’s underground car park. Cool boy-racers tend to go here to show off their big piles of metal that they like to call cars… Aaawww. Oh, and girls go there in skirt/belts to gaze in amazement at these ‘lush’ cars. (Whilst swilling XXXX… Not the drivers, though I wouldn’t be surprised)
-The Spar shop/Chippy just off Mudford Road. In the evening this is the perfect place to hang out and pounce on some poor unsuspecting guy and get him to buy your alcohol for you so you can go and hang out at….
-Mudford Rec. Very spooky at night due to the lack of lighting. This is perfect for getting drunk in the childrens’ park and ‘getting off’ with each other. The C**v’s like to look after their Chavettes. They feel masculine and the Chavettes feel protected…. And horny no doubt…
-The Yeo-Complex. This has a Pizza Hut, Cineworld, Frankie and Bennies, A Bowlplex and a fitness centre. The C***s like to hang out right in the middle or sit on the benches outside pizza hut and cat-call people on a night out… If you’re lucky you may see some C**v’s being chucked out of the Bowlplex for trying to nick the 2p’s from the machine that keeps them amused for hours… Until they get frustrated at losing soooooo much money.
-Any skate-park… Abbey Manor, Lysander. Here the Chavettes can sit and drool over skaters for a while until returning to their King C**v later in the evening a little stoned and pissed. Of course, skirt/belts are the dress code and dropping your phone every now and then so you can bend down and giggle at ‘Ohhh how clumsy you are!!’ is a must.

So, there are just a few places to go if you want to meet a real living, breathing C**v or C******e. You may like to get your picture taken with them, to prove you saw one… Although you might have to pay them in cigarettes… Only L&B or Richmond Superkings though.

Favourite Yeovillian C**v past-times:

-Getting drunk. Obviously number one as it is complete and utter priority!! What type of alcohol doesn’t matter as long as you get ‘wasted, innit’. The Chavettes seem to flounce around like fairies saying ‘Oi, Am feelin’ a little tipsy innit… Ah fink am gonna be sick’. Just to show that they are really drunk or the other extreme, which all C***s take, and that is to start a fight with anyone who gives them the evils… -_-
-Getting stoned. Same as above pretty much… Except they laugh a lot and talk about how weird it feels. Well, yes, it will feel weird… They are drugs…
-Going into Poundland and knocking over the displays. This is hilarious fun as the 20 year old store-supervisor whines at them and they just laugh at him. This is a more C******e thing to do.
-Saying how everyone funny looking is their Mum or Dad. A good example of this would be if an overweight man walks past their bench and seems to be uncomfortable in the heat a C******e will say ‘Oh myyyy God… Look at him!!’ *giggle giggle* And maybe even point. Another C******e stops mid-giggling fit and says ‘Oi, thats my Dad you Hoe!’ Cue another giggling fit.
-Hanging around down Weenies, Or bragging you do. This is like the eighth wonder of the world to Yeovillian C***s. Chavettes all want piercing in their upper lips, belly buttons and anywhere possible on their ears. C***s want the biggest, baddest tatoo going… That will only set them back £20 tops. That would be the Chinese symbol that says ‘Please choose a tatoo’ But they don’t mind because it looks so ‘Lush!!!’. Of course if you don’t get anything done, you’re still cool if you have a conversation with the God himself and sit around chain smoking which makes the room like a hot-box. Which, is even more cool.
-Stealing the most random items. Such as a trolley from the local supermarket… This is fun if someone sits in it and you push your fellow C**v/C******e down one of the ramps leading into an underpass in town (Such as the one next to the MadHatter). Maybe even stealing a dog-leash from Poundland and tying it to your C******e mate because she’s a dog hahahahahaha….. *blink* (Kid’s can be so cruel…)

Okay…. I’m sure there are a lot more areas that need indepth analysis regarding C***s in Yeovil but I’m done for today.

One last thing… You may wonder how I know so much about the C**v population of Yeovil. My 13 year old younger sister happens to be Queen C**v of her little ‘Posse’ and likes to regale her stories to me on her arrival home (at 11pm on a school night after hanging out in Nine Springs… Oh another hang-out to add to the previous list). I did wonder why I bothered to listen to her sometimes… And now it all has a purpose. 😀


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