Alton, (Hants)

HampshireSouth East

My ****-o-meter starts to smoke when I enter the town. On a Tue (market day) it blows up. For a small town it has a huge ****** count.

I would feel more safer in Iraq than Alton on market day. The ***** head for the market to buy ten thousand bags of cheese ‘n’ onion crisps to feed their baby ***** for a week.

Next stop on the **** tour is the Post Office where you have to avoid the over-weight single mums that hang outside the entrance. They sport the usal ****-wear: hooped earings, jogging bottoms, *** in one hand, kid in the other.

Other **** hang-outs are the job centre steps, outside the newsagents and lady-place car park where driver ***** can impress in their 1.1 saxo’s.

I know I am impressed by a Nova 1.4 wheel spinning in the wet. I can see why they get the girls, and I bet they buy them their chips and coke. Romance ah?

Yes Alton ***** come in all ages. It really is worth a visit, just walk along the high street and within a few minutes your **** count will be through the roof.

Want a fight? Try the local night club at weekends. One time about 250 ****** family members had a mass brawl outside…even the cops just left them to it.

Top 10 worst places to live in England 2020