A report of recent academic research on older C***s at play
Gala Bingo, Castle Retail Park, Nottingham
In the interests of academic research into C**v Society, a party of four, safety in numbers, ventured from the local Groves of Academe to the Gala Bingo Hall, conveniently located in C**v Town Central, Nottingham. Our research found that C***s, when old enough, graduate from hanging around outside the Gala Bingo, spitting on anyone who passes, to going inside on Giro days to waste taxpayers money on a game played with ‘lucky’ dabbers.
Our research necessitated the purchase of bingo tickets and ten pounds bought us a full evening’s worth of undercover research time.
This was a unique opportunity to observe the older C***s at play and the younger C***s earning an honest living. We understand that this is a term not normally associated with young C***s but here they were, resplendent in their nylon uniforms and proudly running around with microphones. These C**v employees are not required to be numerate as the computer does all the hard work, that is, selecting the numbers and checking the tickets.
Our research found that the older C***s were predominantly of the female gender. If over 55 years of age they had identical hairstyles typified by tight, white cauliflower curls. If younger than 55 they were overweight and hair was lank. Several had had the C**v face lift, hair pulled back tightly into a pony tail. All the better to show off the special Elizabeth David at Argos hooped earrings.
All ages possessed that essential C**v accessory, the cigarette. Where male C***s were present, they were accessorised by jugs of Guinness and a cigarette. Some older male C***s also sported the slightly rarer ‘builder’s bum’. A female C**v, uniquely, had forgotten to put her teeth in and this phenomenon, from a search of the academic Journals, is known as the ‘anti Jaws Syndrome’. Not a pretty sight.
We were astonished to discover that Bingo has become a politically correct zone. No more ‘two little ducks, number 22’; ‘legs eleven; or ‘was she worth it, seven and six’. Our research suggests that calling ‘two fat ladies, number 88’ resulted in numerous fights as all the ladies (Chavettes) in all Bingo halls are fat.
The vocabulary consisted of one word: ‘HOUSE’, which we understand from our academic literature reviews refers not to a musical genre but instead to mean ‘ Stop the Game, I fink I’ve won summat’. Cue C**v employee, running, with mike in hand, to check the ticket and report his findings to the Bingo Caller.
Advanced players, defined as those who could play more than one book of games at a time, shall be termed ‘Dr Bingo’. This soubriquet is applied for their amazing ability to read two separate columns of two digit numbers, hold a ‘lucky dabber’ and call ‘HOUSE’ all at the same time! A truly complex set of skills requiring higher level mental processing and superb eye-hand co-ordination.
The Bingo Caller seemed to be at the top of heap in terms of employee status and is probably the job all other employees aspire to. We were not able to test this hypothesis by empirical methods as when the main game had finished we could not get out of the door fast enough.
The décor of the hall was embellished with plenty of neon and there was a separate crush hall reserved for the fruit machine junkies.
The main excitement of the night was the networked national bingo game when 25K was on offer. Hurrah! A female solo player walked away with a third share of the pot and a bottle of sparkling wine. Now who’s laughing? Not us, we were ten pounds the poorer but richer for the experience and we will not return to complete our research.
We returned to the safe environment of our ivory tower having witnessed C***s, happy in their natural environment of nylon, neon and a one word vocabulary.
Postscript: Who is in charge of ‘Talent Management’ at Gala Bingo Head Office? Please send memo to all Gala Bingo Managers – do not employ a bingo caller with a speech impediment. You had to be there to believe it!