Thornton Heath - iLiveHere: Best & Worst UK Towns Reviewed

There are numerous articles on this site describing the severe **** related disorders of a town called Croydon. This is a satanic chavhole which has always been so ever since some **** decided to try and develop it into a massive city in the 60’s – that experiment failed. Croydon is not nice to be in, its shopping centres are ****, there are so many vagrants on the streets and the plague is spreading to all of the suburbs around.

A northwestern suburb of Croydon known as Thornton Heath (or as the locals call it, “Fouwrtneeeeef”), is one such example. Despite the houses in the residential areas being very posh, it still remains a ******** and it’s all Croydon’s fault. Don’t get me wrong – it USED to be lovely. Let me explain to you what’s happened here.

1940. A town called Croydon exists where people live and occasionally shop. Most people work in London.

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1960. Some **** decides that people need another place to work, so starts randomly building skyscrapers in Croydon

1980. By now, Croydon has developed into Britain’s gun crime capital. The surrounding areas have developed, with ******** hi rise flats covering all the boundaries, making Croydon a city, and a **** one at that. Places like Thornton Heath are now perfect for the fake ***** with rich parents to hide in, while the females undergo fleeting companionships with the gangs of ***** and the males spend all their time sitting in mcdonalds laughing at anyone not wearing fake burberry.

Anyway, Thornton Heath. It’s really just a big road and a load of posh houses inhabited mostly by people who undoubtedly abuse them; I assume the late victorians who built them are probably turning in their graves.

Starting from the “Clocktower”, which is basically a large grandfather clock in the middle of the road which ceased to tell the correct time a long while ago, you notice houses to the north, houses to the west, shops to the east and tescos to the south. A horrible experience is Tesco’s in Thornton Heath, not only because of the legions of ***** standing outside it but doing nothing, but because of the people that go inside it.

Seriously, I do feel sorry for the children. Sitting in a shopping trolley pushed by ridiculously obese women with the most cringeworthy accents, full of bottles of coke and burgers and other food which complies to the common **** rule of “if it doesnt go in the microwave, were not cooking it.”

And the way they shout at their children and hit them for the stupidest reasons is sickening. It really reminds you how the next generation of adults is going to turn out, and what good it’s not going to do for our country.

Anyway, beyond tescos is the train station then more houses. I seriously advise that you stay away from the train station unless you’re planning on catching a train back to London and back to safety, and if you are doing that, make sure you arrive just in the nick of time to reduce any lingering around. It’s seriously dangerous. Not only is it full of *****, but it’s quite easy to commit suicide there, with the fast trains to brighton and sussex, aswell as the gatwick express, screaming past platforms 3 and 4. The charming decor of the place may persuade you that visiting the tracks is a good idea.

Anyway, a quick guide to the high street. Go the opposite way from Tescos at the clocktower, this is what you get:

The leisure centre, the only reason anyone would really visit Thornton Heath. I suggest you go there late at night though, when all the ***** are busy wreaking fake havoc in Croydon it will be sound as a bell.

Discount shops, discount shops and more discount shops. Doesn’t croydon have enough tacky discount shops? How on earth do these businesses stay open? I’d like to know how these people would react on Oxford Street, which I know is a bloody cliché place to shop, but its, hmmmmm… just a bit more upmarket than Thornton Heath high street.

Weird restaurants. If I remember rightly, it’s home to a “Starburger”, which also props up in the vivacious south croydon suburban town of Caterham. “Jerk Chicken” is another sight for all tourists to take in. There are no REAL ****** fast food restaurants anywhere, none at all. Thornton Heath is so awful it cant even afford to have a McDonalds, Burger King or KFC.. yes, thats right.

The only other thing worth staring at is this newsagents down the end of the road which has a card in the door saying something along the lines of “International Phone Cards: £3 each, 3 for £10”.

Just get out of this fake, fake, fake ******** now!!

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Well, what a place. This area is shared with ***** and wannabe rude boys, who arent shy to demand cigarettes or phones from any passer by, “oi blood, gimme your phone doh” or “ya gotta cigarette for me” in reply “NO” and then they say “but am i bovered though, gimme a ***”
their local hang out is morleys chicken or KFC on london rd. just the other day we had a drunken temptation for a bit of greasy KFC, as we came out there were two 14 year old rude boys, whom i may add should have been in bed at 1am on a school night – standing there blatently nicking the owners push bike with a huge metal cutter, they are not shy or scared of anything. needless to say we **** around until they left but they probably went and took another one down the road, or just mugged some poor sod for the sake of it.
this is not an area where you would dare to go out alone after dark, not even in the car as you can be sure it will get jacked. they like to hang around on corners, especially outside norbury or thornton heath stations – waiting to rob some city workers or poor old ladies.
it is a must that the boys wear their trousers to their knees, while walking along groping themselves and hissing at anything in a skirt. sometimes they wear one trouser leg up and do the most amazing bop as if they have broken a foot. the girls MUST stick their hair to their face, in little swirls, while shouting and screaming with their friends as they sit on the top back of the bus, usually a 109 or 250 into croydon, sometimes they’ll get the 64 to go and check out their 14 year old single mother friends in new addington.
dont dare to look at these girls, they love a good fight especially if a white girl looks at one of “their boys” they cant stand it.
then there is the AVIREX! this is a must for any thornton heath crew – on the mopeds.
on to the ***** – cinatras is the place to be – especially if your looking for a 50 year old and her daughter, and sometimes grand daughter. you are sure to get a night of passion (if thats what ya wanna call it) cos they’re so grateful you looked at them. they love the huge colourful clowns on the’re huge fake gold chains, and a sovereign on each finger – this is necessary for when you look at them so they can knock you the **** out with one blow.
not so long ago my colleague decided to check out the local haunt. a lovely 50 year old, ask him and his mate to take her home and do her up the **** – randomly without even saying hello. this is desparation. no doubt i will be back on here updating this article reguarly, there is just too much to remember at the moment. watch this space!!!!!!!

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