“Selston, Selston” so s**te i named it twice. From the age of 11-18 i was educated in this wrong village on the edge of the Nottinghamshire/Derbyshire border.
A small-minded ex-mining village with more scutters than many of its bigger counterparts, Selston really is a quite, quite special place to be!
Chavs of all ages are the norm in Selston, and if you buy your own car from somewhere other than “YES car credit” you are seen to be upper-class. Screaming mothers, as young as fourteen are the dish of the day, and if you live to 20 without conceiving, your fertility is brought into question.
As the only “Supermarket”, Somerfield (commonly known as Scummyfield) really monopolises on this position by offering overpriced products to those too intellectually challenged to realise. With a Hot chicken counter and delicatessen, droves of blossoming chavs from the local comp, can be seen abusing staff at lunchtimes!
For others, the Family Planning Clinic (every Wednesday lunchtime) run from the neighbouring Doctors Surgery, is the place to be seen. Scores of pre-pubescent girls, up to their tits in budgie-blue eyeshadow and orange foundation, can be seen leaving proudly clutching little paper bags of Durex. For some of them a carrier bag might be more appropriate. It is most sobering to see that many of these are simply discarded on the street, and that the girls you see collecting them, are the ones going back for pregnancy tests a fortnight later.
Although Selston does have many, many bad points, the Wise Plaice Takeaway and Chip Shop, really does offer the best food for miles around. It is inadvisable to visit during lunchtime as its handy location, means trainee gobby slappers and burberry boys from the local comp can visit with ease during the lunch break, on the way back from the clap clinic, or a thieving session chez Scummy.
A community centre attached to the school is the setting for the majority of the chav-meetings in the area, girls from 13 can be seen in buttock skimming skirts and creoles, entering and leaving various chav wagons here. Many get their 24 year old dole-scum boyfriends to pick them up after school here, as it makes for a more dramatic exit than the school bus.
There are many public houses in the region, with the White Lion being a popular choice for underage drinkers. For those with childlike looks, it is all the rage to threaten passers by entering Somerfield to purchase beer and for them, using their pocket money. If you dare to refuse be prepared for a saliva showering, or punctured tyres upon return.
The surrounding fields are excellent locations for drug taking activities and two-upping the local slappers away from prying eyes, whereas the younger chavs and chavettes favour the recreational grounds spotted around the village.
Nottingham Road, really is the best thing that was ever built in Selston, as it means you can escape at top speed, and laugh at the chavs kicking the s**t out of the bus shelters in the process.