Living in Saddleworth
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Greater Manchester, North East

If the people make the area then Saddleworth is the tumor in t’moors. Formerly within the Shire of York, before being sucked into the Greater Manchester sewage farm, our rural parish is not only in a conflict of which county we’re in but there is also an all-out war between the feral, drunken youths and rapidly increasing elderly population.

But how did it come to this? It all began when the wool industry collapsed in Britain, leaving Saddleworth defenceless from the prying eyes of City workers from Manchester, the Mancunian ‘Yuppie’. The Yuppies took advantage of this and pillaged the pleasant land of Saddleworth for all its worth creating artisan bakeries, high street designer shops, over-priced restaurants and wine bars. It wasn’t before long that the few locals remaining were priced out of their homes. The Yuppies bred and created a new kind of human, commonly known as ‘Youths’. The Youths, realising there was bugger all to do in Saddleworth, raided local off-licenses for cheap alcohol and proceeded to get intoxicated despite being under the legal age. Under this state, they would have the ‘courage’ to terrorise the Elderly-folk which would only lead to drastic consequences. The Elderly-folk are the last in Saddleworth who remember the halcyon days of the thriving wool industry. They banded together to form Neighbourhood Watch and various other smaller committees. They prohibited the consumption of alcohol in streets and barred Youths from even stepping into any Public House. However, the Youths have little respect for the great history of Saddleworth and the work of the Platt Brothers, and so carry on as if the Elderly-folk do not exist. The struggle for balance continues…

Continued Below

The bastion of peace and equilibrium is the small village of Denshaw. Even though we don’t know what goes on there, we do know that they have banded together to build a community hall and the Youths and Elderly-folk live in harmony. This is for what all the Saddleworth villages should strive. Although, this being said, the husbands often have extra-marital affairs with sheep, the women work as prostitutes in the pubs for the travellers passing through off the M62 and that there is a tapeworm epidemic that’s been raging in the village for the past five years.