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Roehampton, aka “Ro” a small town besides the comparitivly classy Putney in Wandsworth.
Here you will encounter council blocks as far as the eye can see. If you walk down the notorious Danebury Avenue, you will more than likely encounter the plague ridden abortion survivers that congregate around the local chippy, the “right place”. In reality this is the WRONG place to eat at. I have eaten here a couple of times and have been sick from both occasions from the excessive amounts of fat used to cook the “food” in. It is the place where the flab laden young mothers go to consume enough deep fried chips to regurgitate to thier screaming brood to keep the bastards quiet for a few minutes while she can go and get knocked up again in peace.

A couple of doors down, you will encounter “Danebury food and wine” cheap booze emporium. Here you can buy 500ml cans of diamond white for 79p. Think that sounds a bit pricey? Well you can always go for White lightning at only 69p? still think thats a bit dear? Well theres always the White Ace, at a steal for only 59p!!! Still cant quite gather the coppers for it? Well the final offer is the gourmet White Star for 49p. 7.5% cider for only 49p….. This shop basically fuels the many alcoholics who reside here, and you will notice many empty cans of various ciders strewn about the street, and it is not unusual to actually see the council employees sharing a drink on the street with the locals.

If your brave enough to venture further down, or unlucky enough to actually live down the street, then among the swarms of crows and jackdaws on the field eating all the trash from the chav picnics and the bags of household garbage piled up, you can feast your eyes pitifully on the mini rudes riding about thier stolen bicycles and trying to look hard in thier sheer numbers. You will NEVER see a roehamptonite chav walk alone, they are simply too inbred and malnourished to travel alone. Imbreeding is rampant here, tell-tale signs include frailty and patheticness, devoid intellegence, very high forhead and perminant impish grin encrusted on thier brittle skull, whimpish and deliquent cries and inability to utilise whole words (i.e water = wa’er), maybe most of the growth hormones in thier head went to growing thier forhead instead of thier tounge?

The roehampton Shaz is simply the most vile manifestation of human existance. Deafeningly jarring voices/accents. Eyebrown pierced with hair pulled back to the extent that thier face is warped, tits dangling right out weighing them down to the point where they need thier pushchair to actually support the sheer weight of fat. They will always have multiple children, some white and some half race black. One time when I got on the bus at Roehampton, I saw one of the most ugly women I had ever seen, bad even for roehampton standards. Pulled back hair, multiple face piersings, screaming brat child, horrendous tatoos on her mercylessly exposed fat arms, huge earings. And as if the sight of this spectacle of coporial human excrement couldnt get any worse, when she got off the bus, the final insult to my eyes was to see her thong stuck out from between her half revealed buttocks.

By far the most morbid reminder of the degenerate humanity is the huge ASDA. I’m telling you, there is no limit to the various species you will see trolling around the GEORGE section and the crisps and booze areas. In summer, witness the topless fat blokes with no shoes, you can just about make out the array of chelsea FC tatooes from underneath the tuffts of body fur. Words simply cannot describe just how grim this ASDA is.

The favorite passtime of the Roehampton chav is to steal a moped, ride it around, do a few wheelies, then the final indignity, torch it somewhere. “peds” are to them, equivilent to caddies or mercs. A roehamptonite on a ped is one that commands great respect and worship.

Roehampton is a place that no one ever goes to, except to drive up roehampton lane which connects on to the A3 which takes you as fast as possible away from this bowel rupture of a suburb.

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