Posted by & filed under South East.

Similar to Guildford – in that there exists a massive clash of classes, Horsley is a renowned Chavspot. The fact that the favoured hang-out place is the 2 platform Station says it all.

Like Guildford, Horsley is home to that most vexing of Chavs, the Rich Chav. This, however, affords his victims some advantages in the struggle for survival. The Rich Chav carries a minimum of 56 items of big chunky “gold” Argo-esque jewellery on him at all times, meaning his natural body weight is increased by at least 400%. Thus, a typical Horsley Chav can weigh as much as 20 stone – making it difficult to run after a victim. It should be noted, however, that these Chavs are not as obese as many of their city-dwelling inbred cousins – this species can actually walk, as opposed to waddle [albeit slowly and with a traditional Chav swagger].
As mentioned, the favourite Chavspot is the Station. A truly beautiful 2 platform structure, covered in grafitti, urine seeping out from the toilet door, spit all over the place. The Chavs collect on the Guildford-bound platform, screeching or grunting abuse at passers-by.
Why, only yesterday did they try to remove my mobile phone from me. As I tried to evade their squinted glares, a couple of Chavmen slithered up to me, asking what, pray tell, I was listening to [see: “oi, wot u lisnin 2 m8?”]. Whilst trying not to pass out due to their overpowering smell, I grudginly passed a headphone over to the smaller, spottier, uglier of the two. He grunted incoherently at me, screwing his face up in what I can only imagine to be a smile. The other Chav simply spat on the ground, repeatedly.
“oi giv us ur fone”, spat he of the solidly-gelled-hair, his friend coming menacingly closer. I smirked at him – mostly because he was so unbearabley ugly. It was either a smirk, or bursting into tears. They made to fleece me, but at that point, a larger Chav ambled up. He grunted something towards the smaller boys/trolls, stared me in the eyes; and the ugliest of them all released me from his clammy grasp. I strolled away, bidding them a nice evening at the station. The abuse and spitting followed for a few minutes, until I was out of earshot.

Where the boundary of this great class divide in Horsley exists, I am not sure. However, it appears to be somwhere around Budgens. It is here where we can find the other nesting place of Chav:

Another hotspot is outside Budgens. There, the Chavscum relax on the handily-placed bench, again, spitting and swearing, and generally being fat and pathetic. These BudgensChav, like StationChav, has an inability to speak. He must shout or screech or grunt at all times – the female HorsleyChav is very much the same. HorsleyChavs come in two types: thin or fat, for males; and fit or minging, for females. The minging female HorsleyChav is truly vomit inducing, whilst the fit HorsleyChav demands pity. Being male, I feel the same contempt for the male Chavs.

It is surprising to me that I have not yet seen a pregnant HorsleyChav. With nothing to do in the village, I would expect most Chavs to be pregnant. Why this has not happened, I cannot say; but there will be intensive research into this matter in the near future.

To conclude: the HorsleyChav: ridiculous amounts of jewellery, often rich, very incoherent, inability to keep saliva in the mouth.
Having lived in Guildford for many years, I can say that the HorsleyChav is a more vicious breed of Chav than the common GuildfordChav. For example, the HorsleyChav roams all aspects of the village, whereas Mr. Guildforchav stayed almost exclusively to the North and West of the town.
HorsleyChav hunts in packs, which include, of course, at least 2 female Chavs [Chavettes?].

Note: There is one Chav I have encountered in Horsley with at least two braincells – meaning he is capable of reasonable conversation. I wish him all the best in escaping this horrible place.

  • Sidney Grundy

    MAN u cats are craaazy horsley is dangerous my house alone is insane my dad right guess wat he does.. he beats my face in so watch the f**k out or me and my bro will come and bang u bruv my breath will evade ur attacks my hairy teeth will own u aaand i wank in my brothers sock and f**k girls hu like to stick courgete in my ass and i like ugly lesbians i love that feeling that your screwing her but u no she really wants a c**k and shes f**king u i love that buzz m8 S.G.T aka sidney grundy team

  • hfm youth massssiiiivvvveeeeeee


    wez cumin bak bled


    m8 u tink we r all rich mummy daddy bois an girls u think fukin rong and u hfm p*sstake. i tell u one ting if i knew hu u was an eva saw u there id knock you da fuk out and it is quite obvious that noone in horsley tinks there from london so u tink ur a badman do ya how bout u tell us were ur from eh??

  • HFMpisstake

    listen if u got beaten up by plp from horsley u gota b like a fuking twig there nothing they dnt even start with me there nout serious if i was u id hang my head in shame thts sad

  • keeylad

    This is a most accurate description of the horsley station chav, as i have had the “pleasure” of meeting them last friday night at london road station they had migrated to for the night to get cheap booze and pick a few fights. Myself going to the rgs school in guildford high street met up with with mygirlfriend after school and went to her house for a few hours before decending back down into guildford to meet friends after a few hours talking i walked down to londonroad station to get a train home at 10:30 and guess what the FHM were there (f**king horsley massive) crap name!.
    I asked my two mates to wait at the station till the train came not clecver they started to attack, both my mates were kicked in the head repetitivly my surry rugby training saved me however and i was able to crippel 2 of them before the train came jumping into the driving compartment i was safe as they attended there wounded bro chavs and my mates crawled away f**king chavs grrrrrrrrr

  • HFMpisstake

    oi the person from horsley f**king mayhem u r a idot ive bin up there soooo many times and no 1 will do sh*t u r all scared and theres only 1 person up there who will start apart from them no 1 else will and u all wana b from london its so stupid u r all lil rich bois and girls wit mummy and daddy givin u money 2 get ur lil lot 29 suits dnt think i dnt kno and i kno who gets them 4 u from london