Living in High Wycombe
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Buckinghamshire

High Wycombe, two of the worst words in the English language, just hearing the words reminds of the smells of piss and ganja. I have had the unfortunate burden of being born and living in this town, Being here my whole life, I can give the true “lowdown” on this Buckinghamshire ghetto.

Firstly, what is the state of Wycombe I hear you cry? One word bloody-f*****g-dreadful. A once bustling high street is now at the mercy of the council, with retail gems such as Woolworth’s replaced with a pound world, which best security protocol is a cardboard cutout of a policeman. The chiltern’s centre is now a shadow of it’s former self, featuring only wilkinsons and primark. However A special mention should be made to the coffee shop there, how it has managed to sustain itself all these years is as much a mystery as why the prime minister put his todger into a dead pig. (I guess we’ll never know).

The Eden centre is a failed attempt at rejuvenation for the town, as clearly they ran out of money mid project, leaving a shopping centre with no roof. This is as much a good idea as letting Edward scissorshands become a Gynaecologist. The rest of Wycombe is filled with only the best cuisine from chicken cottage (£6.99 bargain bucket) and other greasy spoons. Supermarkets are filled with customers who defacate on the floor and stalk staff. Wycombe’s nightlife include Yates, and that’s about it.

Wycombe has had some famous names, celebrities who can have left, include James Cordon and Aaron-Taylor-Johnson. Only one hero has decided to stick with Wycombe, and Colin Baker deserves a bravery award for not leaving.

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Other noticeable faces from Wycombe include Carrot the musical tramp, known for hits such as “I love the way your fanny farts” and gang leader Waqus Yxxxxxx. Known on Wycombe’s streets as “Don Waki Kahn” this 3 fingered crime lord has been damaging vehicles all over the castlefield area. Forget Bin Laden and ISIS, once you see what Waki will do to your car, you will understand the true meaning of terrorism.

Wycombe also has is plus points, great scenic views across local hills, and the rye river is great place to take the kids (as long as there aren’t any dead bodies in it). Wycombe Loyalists have even created a song “Sweet Home High Wycombe” an ode to “the gem of Buckinghamshire”. This is definitely a banger, and is perfect to spice up any party.

So High Wycombe, a pretty crap place to live, but as many Wycombeners say “At least it’s not Slough”