Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in East Anglia, Herefordshire, United Kingdom

Second nomination for chav capital of the UK

Ok, I’ve only heard of this new word, ‘chav’, in the last few months, but it seems that these people(loose term) it describes have been around for ever. This is my contribution:
I moved to hemel hempstead in 1996 as I got a job offer I couldn’t refuse. 8 years on and the job is still the only thing keeping me here. Hemel is the arsehole of the world, and the local chavs are just passing through(work out what that makes them!), it’s not even pronounced as hemel hempstead, it’s ’emel ’empstead, cause the little bastards can’t even spell their home town right. But you ask them for different words for marijuana and they know every one, wonder why?
I’ve lived in chav towns before, notably swindon, stevenage, and luton, but this one takes the proverbial biscuit. It’s Hell on earth, and why, cause the little f*****s seem to think they run the place.
I’ve read the other reviews about this town, and they’ve all been spot on, but I want to add my own little bit, and maybe expand on their opinions.
The town centre: Marlowes, what a f*****g joke, every other shop is a chav shop, and what isn’t has gone bust and is empty. You have your lot here, macdonalds, burger king, argos, 3 poundshops in 100 metres of each other, 5 different s******e sports-shops(and yes, JJB is here-the kids’ ambition’s here is to one day serve behind the counter of that shop), primark, amongst others.
Saturday afternoon walk through the marlowes and see if you can spot the biggest group of chavs either steaming through, or huddling around a bench, sharing a pack of 10 Benson, and a medium fries. My record so far is 11 girls in one group, and 14 boys in another. The girls all have the ‘essex facelifts'(hair scraped so tightly back that it lifts their face 2 inches), parkas with real fake fur, tight blue jeans, and lately black shin-high fake suede boots, with fake gold jewelry on any part of their body that happens to jut out(this includes ears, noses, lips, fingers,) boys have the obligatory light-blue burberry baseball cap, sports jacket, jeans, and trainers(normally reebok classic, in white) The jewelry is the same, ie, everywhere, but the hair is short, or gelled, but as they hardly ever remove their caps I can’t be sure.
Saturday night in hemel town centre is a laugh. 4 pubs, and everyone a chavpub. Harry’s, at the bottom of the market, is for p***y’s, who have aspirations of being a chav, but blow all their money on alcopops, rather than fake burberry/adidas/nike, so will never make it as a chav. Society has been empty lately, but used to be the clubbing chavs getting tanked up on smirnoff ice(upmarket drink for chavs) before heading up to wally world(more about this wonderful place later), now it just gets a few w*****s into crap DJ’s, and the football-shirted boys, who have never been to a game in their life.
The full house is an old peoples hang out in the day, on account of the cheap alcohol, then the evening its for the w*****s pre-wally world(how the society used to be). And my favourite, the hogshead, with two bouncers on the door. In fairness, this used to be a decent pub, but then some of the scum from the Harry’s ventured out into the big wide world and found this place, and turned it into Harry’s 2.
The taxi rank is right outside this place, if you ever have the urge to take a punch or two from groups of chavs, then try and get a cab from here after 11pm.
And so, to wally world. It has the usual chavvy Macdonalds drive-thru, on a good night there are souped-up novas and fiestas as far as the eye can see. After negotiating the pools of vomit all around(a nice feature) you arrive into hotshots, bypassing jumpin jax(this is how it’s spelt!), a square bar in the middle of wally world. Here, you can see all the chavvy scum wherever you look, and even get served by the chavs behind the bar. A few alcopops in here, then off to jumpin jax, where you queue to get in.This place is the cess-pit of hemel, a dive so bad that Saddam Hussien refused to hide in when he was on the run, it was so dirty. You have a stage here, for the fat chavette teenage mothers to dance on, if you ask nicely the bouncers will look after your pram with your sprog in it while you dance. This place has been playing the same music for years, same old s**t, I swear that depending on what time it is in there you can tell what the next record to come on will be!
This place shuts at 1pm, or after 3 fights have kicked off, whichever is later, then its on to visage, a short stumble/hop thru the vomit away.
this is like jumpin jax, but on a bigger scale, with more chavs, and more of the same music. As there is more room here, the groups of chavs tend to be bigger, I’ve seen 20 in a group, sharing a smirnoff ice and a joint. This is the place to come, but only if you want to die, as the bouncers wouldn’t know trouble if it hit them(!), as they are too busy trying to pull the 15 year old chavettes that frequent the place.
2am and it’s kicking out time, and kicking time, head over to macdonalds, it’s only got 4 bouncers on the door, not too much aggro there then!
I haven’t been to wallyworld in months, I’m waiting for them to bomb it then turn it into a sewage works, will be an improvement.
as for the rest of hemel, well workshy is an understatement. too many jobs, not enough braincells for some of these tossers. I swear I had one guy turn up at my place of work the other night in a Hackett top, and burberry baseball cap, and his first question was: Can we smoke pot on our breaks? And that was the t****r’s first night!
To sum up, emel is the worst, and a nomination in crap towns 2004 proves I’m right, next year it will be number one, mark my words.
And yes, Ive read the local Gazzette with their ‘Happy in Hemel’ campaign, what a f*****g joke, people are only happy in hemel cause of all the benefit they get, after getting some bitch up the duff at the age of 15, and a flat in woodhall farm on their 16th birthday, they are well sorted. A couple of quid a week on chardonnay’s/tyrone’s nappies, and the rest can go on puff, cocaine, and a few nights in the arry’s, with a good old fight after.
My company is laying off a load of people next year, I’ll be first in line, pay me my redundancy money, and I’m off, quicker than you can say, ‘ F**k you Hemel!’, and I will!


Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in East Anglia, Herefordshire, United Kingdom

Hemel Hempstead, Much has been said about this pit before but very few can have the level of experience I have. I am one of the unfortunates, Hemel Born and raised- something I’m certainly not proud of, but it has allowed me an unprecedented view of the world of Chav’s in this hell hole! Not only do I have that experience I have a younger Chavvy Brother who insists on invading the house with his Chavvy mates, If it was up to me i would napalm the lot and start again!!!
Continue reading “Hemel Hempstead” »


Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in East Anglia, Herefordshire, United Kingdom

I’m amazed that this town isn’t already on the site!

The place most popular for Chavs is the McDonalds drive-thru on the Leisure World site, in fact this place is full of chavsters. Leisure World has 2 bars (Hotshots and Jumping Jaks) and two clubs (both full of chavs in Hackett shirts). It is affectionally known amongst my peer group as S**t World.

This is officially one of the worst towns in the country coming in the top 100 worst towns in Britain. According to Hertfordshire statistics, Hemel Hempstead is the most socially deprived town in the county. This means more teenage chavster parents and more scummers living on benefits. I’ve never had a problem getting a job in this town, and neither does anyone I know. Sheer lazyness.

Buses now refuse to go into the estate called Woodhall Farm, as when the last blizzard of snow happened, the local chavs decided to barricade the road and then attacked the bus with whatever they could get their grubby little mitts on!

Look for pictures of the Hemel Chavs, they will be coming soon I promise.


Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in East Anglia, Herefordshire, United Kingdom

The lesser spotted chavs of Hemel are a special breed. They are tipified by their scraped back hair into some form of neon coloured scrunchie, black bras worn under white vests bought from Wilkinsons, with addidas trousers (yes these chavs are not only ill dressed, but are also behind the times as far as chav fashions go), topped off with a lovely pair of gleaming white reebok classics. Elizabeth Duke is a particular favourite haunt for these chavs, they can buy all the plastic gold they like for under a fiver, and not only that, there are childrens rides outside, so the chavs can play! When the chavs are let out of their cages, they like to frequent the Full House, a lovely Whetherspoons establishment on the high street. When it comes to night time play however, the chavs make the journey up the hill to wally world, where they encounter such delights as stabbings and drive by shootings at the three hot spots, Jumpin’ Jaks, Ethos and of course Visage. After the Chavs have partied the night away they flok to Mc Donalds, one of only 3 in the world to have round the clock security guards (the others are in the USA and Bhagdad!) These chavs can turn nasty if they do not get there fill of WKD. You have been warned!