Gloucester, Property guide and review
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Gloucestershire, United Kingdom

Come to our beloved City of Gloucester! Vistors will note on arrival to our fine city (if youre lucky enough to actually get a train that stops there); your first port of call will probably be our bus station. However you come by car, dont leave it unattended as some jobsworth traffic warden is likely to ticket it. And dont leave it up town on a Friday or Saturday night. You might not have a car left for a ticket to be slapped on!

Marvel at the filth of our bus station and if you’re unlucky you’ll encounter your first chav or wino. Cross the road (try to avoid looking up and avoid the broken run down offices of Grosvenor Square) and you’ll find yourself in Kings Square. Another architectual masterpiece of Gloucester. Note the teenage chavs hanging about and to your right the middle age wasters, pissheads and winos drinking and cursing in the midday sun. Also note our wide selection of winos, Eastern Europeans, Religious Nuts, chavs, beggers and weirdos as well. Hurry on and look at our magnifcent shops. On a budget? No worries! Delight at our Poundshops, we have dozens. We’re even thinking of renaming our city “poundland” You’re never more than two minutes away from one. What a bargain! And if you fancy doing your neighbours garden shed we have plenty of glorified pawn shops you can fence the goods out of.

The most exclusive shop we have is WH Smith but dont hang around. Beware of the “Chuggers” They hunt in pacts around the Guildhall ready to pounce on unsuspecting victims with any subject from orange juice, stopping people getting electric probes on the nuts and the prevention of rabbits wearing lipstick. Have a look at our amazing indoor shopping centre too. Gaze in awe at the empty units before moving on. Keep moving, keep in the overhang of buildings as youre likely to get s**t on.Walking anywhere in Gloucester is like being on the end of a lufftwaffe bombing run.Anything that moves Seagulls will crap on. Sums it up really. and if you like a bit of animal magic you maybe lucky to see a rat chewing on a disgarded maccy dees that some chav has thrown down. But if youre really upper class why not go to “the mall” in the docks. Dont be fooled by the signs, this is more dud propoganda from our great city leaders. Another white elephant of empty shops and false hopes.

Now if you’re really brave you could have a night out in Gloucester and sample our nightlife. You have two choices – Eastgate Street (personally i’d only venture down there on a Friday/Saturday night with a bullet proof vest on armed with a cattle prod); or our amazing pubs over by the bus station. Here you’re liable to die of thirst trying to get to the bar and trying to get served. Personally I’d rather have a night out in Mogadishu. It would be a lot safer.  To quote Apocalypse Now – “You’re in the asshole of the world”.  No doubt you’ll end up in a large pub; a familiar chain. You can’t miss this one. Unfortunately its policy of dirt cheap prices attracts every type of chav,pisshead and scumbag on a weekend and has killed the last bastion of “normal” pubs where you could at least have a quiet pint,hear yourself think and get served in under 3 hours. If you’re familar with Star Wars and the Mos eisley scene; pub full of weidos, scumbags and two headed monsters, this is what this place is all about on a Saturday Night. Look for the early 20s chav type whose pissed after 2 pints of old rosie. Also listen to the unique communication skills outside on the smoking veranda where the average chav can’t refrain from using the word “f**k” or worse for more than 20 seconds.New Legisation has just been bought in too ref “the dangerous dogs act”. It needs reinforcing in this place. Half the women in there probably have rabies. And they do bite! Characteristics; foaming at the mouth whilst drinking vodka and redbull, colourful language and face like a welders bench. Look out for the “L” plates usually attached to some ugly tart dressed as a schoolgirl, nun, maid or bride. Majority of these women are so ugly and foul, you have to question the sanity of the guy whose gonna marry them! Elsewhere girls who might aswell wear nothing at all mill around pissed. Its amazing what you can squeeze into a mini skirt;its positivey obscene in many cases. Most of these girls should be in bed by 7pm and youre tempted to call the school truancy officer.For your own safety keep away from the dancefloor. Here you will see Gloucesters finest; the leopard skin dress variety. Huge tree trunked arms and legs variety, heavily tatooed and 20 pounds of gristle packed into a dress 20 sizes too small. Only observe in short bursts, never make eye contact and beware! One might flash their sagging tits or bare their arse. This will definately put you off your pint or late night doner on the way home! If one of these birds put you in a bear hug you’re a gonna. Personally half the people in this establishment are that ugly they’d be better employed at an airport sniffing luggage.

Five mins away is another street full of “fun pubs”.This part of town on a weekend resembles a cross between an infant school and a loony bin. Hve of those there should be drinking milk not VK red. This is most apparent later when the casulties deposit the contents of their stomach into the gutter, get thrown out or pick a fight with the door gorrillas outside. Look out for the “chav van” which does the circuit too, which the police load up with chavs, scumbags and muppets they scoop up from the gutter. But you fancy some real late night sport check out one of the nearby kebab houses or taxi rank. Always good for a casual punch up, tarts screaming or mouthing off and some good “ultra violence” when it all kicks off and goes down. And finally dont walk home through the park unless youre SAS trained in hand to hand combat. Youre likely to get mugged and arrive home in just your underpants. Mind you round here theyre likely swipe those aswell!

By: glos resident

  • Daniel Forsythe

    Gloucester may be a run down s******e, but it will always be my home.
    If you prefer pretentious assholes try Cheltnham, I’d rather live here than in London. The people there are so cold,uncaring and extremely rude.

    You will always find help here if you need it, but walking around looking down your nose at everything and everyone won’t get you anywhere.
    Everyone here is trying to survive, the local authorities simply don’t care and it’s citizens are all burned out.

    This is a place where people are sacked due to cuts and then told to continue working for free.

    This is a place where the council gives there mangers a pay rise while they fire staff.

    This is a place where council desperately trying to polish a turd wastes massive amounts of money, while people starve & freeze to death in the winter.

    The people here are overworked, underpaid and angry. Why? Because they are ignored. Anyone who has ever tried to accomplish anything, when it comes to the local council or MP knows what I’m talking about. No-one who is supposed to care does, the few that do are swamped.

    So you can call us scum, that’s fine we don’t care, there are more important things to worry about.

  • nic

    I recently went to Gloucester, after reading all the ‘reviews’ on that website. I was expecting to be beheaded as soon as I stepped into the bus station. But it is way safer and friendly than central London. There are a few chavs but they are more pathetic than menacing. It is true than the people (the men) in Gloucester are naturally nervous and aggressive though. I saw a street fight between drunk people. But the police is paroling in the centre in great numbers so I could have seen a more dangerous place. Gloucester’s image suffers from the proximity of bastions of civilization such as Bristol, but compared to the rest of the uk, it’s actually quite good.

  • Dan

    Gloucester doesn’t get any better by the sound of it. I spent a lot of time there in the late 90’s and early Noughties and although it was bad then it wasn’t THAT bad – full of chavs and chuggers and seagulls/pigeons, but there were some decent shops and even the mall down at the docks was just hanging on. I remember the third-world squalour of the bus station well (have they even cleaned the toilets in the last 10 years?)and the rail station wasn’t much better, still at least they were close to each other rather than on opposite sides of town (like, say, Newport) though I seem to remember the council wanted to screw up even that small advantage the place had by moving the bus station down to the docks or some other stupid place. Went back on a brief visit in 2005 or 2006 and was amazed how badly everything had gone downhill, glad I got away when I did!

  • Nick

    We got out in 2005, having been born there. Used to be a great place, especially in the 60s. The place has been totally mismanaged by a bunch of muppets who frequent the local council offices. Remember King;s square and the water feature that never worked? I used to work in local manufacturing, and I estimate that 10,000 manufacturing jobs have disappeared in the Glos/Chelt area since 1990. Factories paid more than stuff like shelf filling. Hence, those alive from the neck up have gone, leaving behind/being replaced by dead-heads. What beats me is why house prices seem to be holding up. Surely nobody wants to live there. My job even moved out to 50 miles away, and after 5 years I managed to blag a job in Cheltenham, but nothing in my ‘home’ town. In the 60s, getting a job in manufacturing was like falling off a log.I noticed that the road out passed the Air Balloon pub, and on out to Swindon was packed with traffic commuting out of Gloucester each morning. Beats me why people want to live in this run down backwater and then spend a fortune commuting to where the jobs are. And it will all get worse. My advise. Get out now. We moved to Cornwall. A last bastion of civilisation.