Posted by & filed under East Anglia, Essex, United Kingdom.

I should first point out that I do not live there (in a sense does anyone?) I have only visited. I may be foolish but I am not bloody stupid!

Clacton or ‘Clackers’ or ‘London by the sea’ is a seaside town (the clue is in the name) that is so incestuous that it is twinned with itself. It could also be that the dockside where Russia dumps it’s rusting nuclear subs turned their irradiated noses up when offered the gig.

Their offer to tow a leaky sub to sit off Clacton pier as an attraction was only refused after protests from the time warp resorts of Walton on the Naze and Frinton. But Clacton is the subject and it’s remedial level for sure. Entirely bereft of any charm (that’s the place and it’s occupants) it relies on seducing the unwary with endless burger shops, arcades, cheap clothing stores with knock off quality copies of last years fashion. Chav shopping heaven!

It also has a glum and dreary market that has micro Chavs being lead round by the hand as their parents who are possibly also their sisters/aunts/brothers etc look for something remotely worthy of a £1 plus purchase. Older Chavs in the most common teens to early twenties bracket, hang around the car parks (christ they sure know how to live), Public loos (start as they mean to go on? Perhaps they’d call it work experience), and guitar shop.

I must confess that the guitar shop has been my only reason for visiting as it’s okay and has a certain tattooed rockabilly charm and eye candy guitars. Quite how the shop manages to keep £2000 Gretches out of the hands of thieving Chavs is a minor miracle. The owner must be a treble hard bastard.

Clacton is dirty, so dirty in fact that a quick spruce up or pre holiday season make over will not impact upon the grime inflicted upon it by it’s population. I guess if you flatten most of the buildings, bombed the pier, closed 98.9% of the retail outlets (it’s easier to call them want to be junk shops) and removed the population it might be half decent place. After all, it has a nice location and the sea…..No I’m not convinced either.

The pier is Clackers main ‘attraction’ and is as damp, dirty and disappointing as any other aspect of the place. At least you are temporarily free of the locals there as it’s just for tourists but don’t be fooled! Here we experience the dichotomy that is Clacton on Sea ‘population ..too many, brain cells..too few.’

It’s visitors are as bad or worse than the locals (I am begging leave to excuse myself from this equaton on the grounds of not being inbred, of knowing what a bin is and how to use it and not commonly spitting on the floor as I hang outside shops). The dregs of the North, the Midlands and London descend upon this place as a home from home which if they live in a Chav town, it is.
Rather than diluting the gene pool they make it murkier still and leave one with the feeling than a month of rain could not cleanse the place of the crap they drop.

Suffice to say that Chav wear,bling,Novas and all the usual uninventive, follow the bloody mentally feeble leader crap is in abundance whilst taste, good manners and quietly spoken people are not. Public rows are the thing, so visitors feel free to berate your little Chav or Chavette for being a little ‘Cant’ and showing you up at your most irritating volume level. Now that I’ve done the Clacton on Seas’ tourist boards’ job for them you might well ask why I visited more than once? Well I didn’t, much, and then only for the guitar shop and the happy memory of my mate being shat on by a seagull near the pier as he threw chips to them. I had told him not to feed the vermin as it only encourages them and he must have assumed I meant the locals. The seagull quite rightly gave it’s verdict on the local cuisine and perhaps on the town above which he soared on thermals that stubbornly refused to take him away?

  • chavalot!!! gggrr

    what a total idiot!!! Before you start berating places that you ‘deem’ to visit get your facts right!!! Clacton is NOT London on Sea!!! Get a map & get your butler or manservant to work it out for you!!! I come from London on Sea – South end of London – work that out horatio!! My family have just spent a lovely day in Clacton & found the people & the place lovely – people hold doors open for you – oh sorry expect you just barge through without a care – as you are MUCH better than them – grief you make me sick!!!

  • Jacqueline Christmas

    Hi there, I’ve read all of the comments (made me laugh – not). According to the first post, possibly me moving from Dagenham to Clacton would be like home from home. I’ve had many a happy holiday there since I was a kid and up until this year as an adult. I must have been talking to locals, because they were friendly and down to earth. (here in Dagenham, English is everybodies second language – no disrespect, my ex was Italian (Urr I think he still is!) Hence, I’ve been a tourist in Clacton for many a year and would treat it as I would at home.If I met any Dagenites down there, that were treating it like a dustbin, I would kick them into touch – so to speak.

  • Michelle

    I moved too Clacton about 5 years ago and I love it here

  • Joe

    “I am a resident of Clacton and have been for 16 years.
    Oh and before i start, i wud like to say in the 16 years i have lived here no one call it “Clackers” or “London by the sea” they must be stupid little names you outside scum have for it.

    I agree with some of the stuff you have said ill give you that but most of it is a load of C**P. The main reason why clacton is so dirty and full of rubbish is because of all you tourists that invade in the summer and mess up our town. I believe that it actually is a gd place in the winter.

    oh and it has its fair share of chavs but i have seen worse, its not enough to call us locals “Vermin”. How rude!!”


    WOW! WHAT A MORON. “the main reason clacton is so dirty and full of rubbish is because of all you tourists that invade in the summer and mess up our town.” Jesus christ where the hell did you pluck this loada bullsh*t from? Maybe if you had a competent council (who don’t waste money building water features outside mcdonalds), less crackheads, beaches without open sewage pipes, and more of a night-life than magic-city you wouldn’t feel the urge to blame it on tourists. (Which is laughable considering there bringing the town alot of revenue.)
    Even Clacton pier, the town’s grand spectacle is pants. I visited it last December. Saw the most depressed Reindeer on the planet.

    “no one call it “Clackers” or “London by the sea” they must be stupid little names you outside scum have for it.”
    London by the sea’s pretty obscure i’ll admit i’ve never heard that one before. Heard “Clackers” about a billion times. As well as “Crapton-on-Sea”. But calling people “outside scum” who dont live in Clacton just raises the xenophobic image of the town more so.

    • annonymous

      he must a bloody idiot considering Clacton is only a small town and they put attractions in wherever they can but it is them making this place like that because in 2008 when I moved here crime was unique and now that chavs have moved from London crime is just the usual thing its because of people like him demoting us as a town that we have to have all the chavs from London there actually are more nice people I’ve met here than I have in London and I’ve been to London many times

  • Joe

    Wow to the above posters blaming Clacton’s trashy image on tourism!
    Jesus christ this town’s stupid. Tourism is exactly what made Clacton prosperous back in the 30’s and the 40’s. Nowadays Clacton’s a dive because no tourists go there anymore (and that brought in alot of revenue). And who the hell can blame them, the place is a dump. I know, i’ve lived there for near 20 years, and it’s only getting worse. Sure there are decent people there, im sure i know a lot of them. But the majority of Clacton’s residents are freaky looking wierdos, chavs, squaddies, and many MANY old age pensioners. But Jaywick definatly takes the ticket for scummiest place in England.

  • Papabone

    Any town that has two good pie and mash shops cant be all bad. The Beach is not as good as Jaywicks. Now if you want to talk about dodgy people……

  • Lee

    Definition of the word chav = A word upper- class people use to poke fun at lower class people, aimed at their body language and dress sense.

    What an absolute moron who wrote the above post, I myself come from a privileged background and have never had a problem visiting/mixing with locals in any country let alone a place in the UK.

    Of course people are different from place to place but I feel sorry for the small minded ignorant bigot that wrote the post. People like that do not get to experience different people, or cultures and they are the ones who miss out.

    I have visited Clacton, Walton and Frinton on many occasions there are plenty of things to do in and around these areas eg beautiful nature spots for picnics, lovely beaches, (if you talk the the locals they will tell you the best ones to go to, which are stone free and not packed with tourists) within half hour drive of Colchester zoo,

    There are many more things if you actually bother to look and do not assume that you can walk down to the town centre and everything will be laid out in front of you.

    Granted as mentioned no good retail shops although when I go to visit I do not intend to spend my time cloths shopping. If in an emergency I would just shop in their Next it is 2min walk from town centre.

    Oh and as for people littering spitting disgusting ‘chav’ behaviour was your friend not standing there throwing chips around???
    You should not judge a whole place on the people you have encountered, it is likely most of them were dis-respectful holiday makers like yourself.

    One more point. How on earth can you call a child a micro-chav? How disgusting! Seems to me like you have had irresponsible/inappropriate parenting as they clearly did not teach you any morals or respect.

    When I have visited the local in Clacton and surrounding areas are friendly level headed people, I guess it may depend on where you choose to spend your time if your going to go to the cheapest pubs and clubs available of course your going to come across 18-21 year old drinkers binge drinking that is the case in most places in the uk unfortunately.

    • mixter

      micro-chav is the type of an inbred child produced by two chav parents

  • martin

    we’ll it’s in Essex and that says it all.

    • mixter

      that doesn’t say anything you d**khead. go back to f**king poland you div

      • annonymous

        if that says it all why was essex police awarded best roads policing unit in the world

  • steve fleming

    well i have never been to clacton by the sea. however the naked bike ride is there this year, so cant be all bad.. cox at the ready

  • shutyourmouth

    I love clacton, i have lived here all my life and i think the stuff your saying is bollocks! Your some jumped up little prick who thinks they can slag people off! Saying all the residants are scum and inbread is disgusting; please dont judge others by your own standards. Clacton has chavs yes, but i bet you wont find a place that doesnt so get over it. Leave your hypocritical comments to yourself and dont fill the internet with a load of junk. You say brain cells few but essex has some of the best education facilities in britain and one of the countries best universities so dont lie. People like you disgust me and you should be ashamed of the lies you have been spreading!! You arent worth anyones time you are just pathetic, please dont come back to clacton; we dont want you!!!!

    • annonymous

      well said but because of people moving here from london crimes go up like 2012 the stabbings were rediculous and im speaking from a person having clqcton as their community every where has its benefits and drawbacks even the poshest of places

    • annonymous

      aswell as educational facilities we have a better police force London because we have the best roads policing unit in the world, the best 999 response, local response, domestic violence unit and dog unit in the country. we also have a better fire service because our 999 response here is on average three times faster than London’s

  • VanStolen

    Clacton ? Nothing a good f**king tsunami wouldn’t sort out.

  • Dave

    if you need a crap, do it in Clacton…. most of the people have 6 fingers

  • Eighthwonder

    Well, well. Yet another attack at good old Clacton-on-Sea. Just for the record, i have lived here now for almost 20-years, and as a very cultured, broad-mined person, i can honestly say i wouldn’t want to live anywhere else!
    I don’t know what it is about Clacton, but it seems to have this charm; a little faded in areas, but still a fairly decent town by all accounts.
    Okay, so yes, there is crime and a few “Chavs” as most people like to call them, but i have seen them everywhere – not just in Essex!
    Clacton might not be everybody’s cup of tea, especially if you’re a young teenager as there is little to do, granted.
    However, i must agree with the other comments that tourists really do take over in the summer and treat it how they want. Overweight men in their early 40s wearing sandals with their beer belly hanging out and spitting and shouting as they swig larger outside the Moon and Starfish. People take over the beach and think they own it. Rubbish being dropped all over the place.
    Sorry, but Clacton is a nice place to live and has plently of nice people. I don’t understand what all the fuss is about.
    Essex too is a great county to live, and this year Chelmsford – our county town – was granted city status by the Queen to mark Her Diamond Jubilee, plus we have Britain’s oldest recorded town.

    Clacton and Essex rock!

  • Darren

    How dare you post comments like this about a town my family have lived in all their life’s. The reason clacton is how it is, is because of moron tourists like you coming and ruining it! You are clearly so far stuck up your own ass you cant see clacton for what it really is, I’m afraid your a total and utter twat my friend. My brother grew up in clacton he now has a degree, so take that and shove it where the sun spent shine, I live here and you clearly belittle people from clacton because you live in a bubble full of posh stuck up d**kheads much like yourself. You can’t see what clacton is really like! You don’t even live here so how can you judge it, you know nothing about it. I could walk into a meeting with politicians and stereotype it as boring but I don’t know much about politics so I can’t criticise it. So grow up you ignorant generic mongaloid.

    • mixter

      you’re a moron too? blame it all on tourists…yeah really? i wonder if the people racing in tesco carparks and chavs littered around mcdonalds in the winter are all TOURISTS too, you f**king moron, f**k you and your stupid family

  • Chantelle Smith

    I can’t get over how rude this is! I moved to Clacton 10 years ago and I’m now 16, and me, I don’t recall myself standing outside public toilets and outside shops! And i agree with the 2nd comment above with that its all you scummy tourists that trash this place, I hate the summer here, because you get arrogant pigs who visit that feel the need to push and shove you, spit and throw rubbish on the floors and beaches, mainly people from London to be honest, think they run the place! This comment really offended me, as your classing all people in Clacton to be like this, when really when you live here, you see happy families, and friends enjoying themselves ‘NOT OUTSIDE A SHOP!’ Clacton’s also known as a retirement place, so next time you do come here, how about you, look at the good things that most people see and not the dirty scummer’s that come down here!

    And this comment; Clacton on Sea ‘population ..too many, brain cells..too few.’
    Really did make me laugh, because i studied in clacton from year 3 and now doing my A levels in Clacton, and with my GCSE results and the results my whole year group got, was 87% of the year group got A* – C in every subject, and with my GCSE’s I got A*’s, A’s and B’s, so I really wouldn’t class it as ‘Brain cells..too few’.

    So maybe next time you come here, don’t judge the tw*t’s that are here for a week or two, judge the people that live here and are happy, until depresent’s like you arrive.

  • YouAllShouldGetaLife

    You people should get a life. I really like Clacton-on-Sea and this is not a biased opinion as I’m not from Clacton myself. So do us all a favour and get lost, you idiots.

  • Dermotslover

    Clacton is a f***ing DUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where else in the world would you find a pub with a sign stating “friends and regulars only”? Does any one else find this weird and rude??? Also, if you smile at someone, or attempt to strike up a conversation with the average Clactonite, you get looked at like a lump of dirt!! Some Clacton people are some of the nastiest pieces of scum that I’ve ever encountered!! I will NEVER move back!!!!

  • Nikadi

    Love it! I grew up in Clacton and hated every moment of it! I’m back here after two years away from home and wish that it didn’t exist. Now for an update:
    Clacton is full of Charity Shops and the spawn of a mass of preteens who have worked out that having a baby young is a ‘cool’ thing to do (whilst leaving that poor child at home with their equally dodgy mothers who will start the cycle over again).

    I’ve not heard it being called ‘London-by-the-sea’ but Clackers is a common one. And of course, in response to ginge, the tourists who come in the summer manage to drop their rubbish in the winter too? Clacton is scum. There are the odd handful of lovely people living here but otherwise the above description is correct.

    I know it’s years too late, but it entertained me to read this ;)

  • Mysticginge

    I am a resident of Clacton and have been for 16 years.
    Oh and before i start, i wud like to say in the 16 years i have lived here no one call it “Clackers” or “London by the sea” they must be stupid little names you outside scum have for it.

    I agree with some of the stuff you have said ill give you that but most of it is a load of C**P. The main reason why clacton is so dirty and full of rubbish is because of all you tourists that invade in the summer and mess up our town. I believe that it actually is a gd place in the winter.

    oh and it has its fair share of chavs but i have seen worse, its not enough to call us locals “Vermin”. How rude!!

  • TimeForDeliverance

    Clacton is a total sh*t hole. The Rocking Horse is the only saving grace and only mildly seeing as it gets overrun by chavs on a weekly basis who go out of their way to take the p*ss out of anybody so much as nodding their head to the rock music in there.