Living in Auchtermuchty, Fife
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Scotland

What is the best way to properly describe this “quiet” village in north-east Fife? While in truth it’s nowhere near as bad as some of the godforsaken shiteholes that are peppered across Fife, it’s still a long, long way from being the ultra-shiny preening Howe of Fife village that it so desperately wants to be. It may not be in Wicker Man territory just yet, but if standards continue to slide then this is a very real possibility for Auchtermuchty.

In truth, the sad, pathetic and seedy wee reality of Auchtermuchty is that it is a cliquey wee town in sore and dire need of some chastity belts, and duct tape all round for both the parents and the mutant kids that seem to be bred in abundance around this place. Neither English or the local dialect seem to be used correctly by the locals, it can be more accurately described as a verbal w**k stain that is closer to fart noises than to proper speech.

It is at this point in time unclear whether it is something in the water or if contraception is taboo in Auchtermuchty, but whatever the case may be, the local council would be best advised to implement a strict series of population control measures. They should consider this a prudent use of council funds and a vital aid in preventing further degradation of an already sweaty and festering local gene pool.

Obviously some of the local women cannot be trusted to keep their underwear on and their legs shut, and the same goes for the masculine contingent of the village, who will drop their kechs at the earliest opportunity, shoot their end off and then complain a few years down the line about the resultant nightbreeds.

Nowhere is this macabre experiment in DNA manipulation more sadly and plainly evident than when some poor incomer or some other unfortunate soul happens to perchance upon lunchtimes or hometime at the local children’s educational establishment. If the god-awful language from the parents isn’t enough to leave you aghast, then surely the oddball genetic configuration of their demonic-spawn offspring will do the trick.

Speaking of the local children’s educational establishment, it seems to be engaged in an eternal war for the spare cash of the local community. It may not be actively engaging in turning family members upside down and shaking every loose bit of cash free at the moment,but given enough time, this may become school policy. The place seems hellbent on pissing any spare cash that they get up the wall and then begging and pleading to the mutant-makers of the village to give them even more of their hard-earned coin.

And for the gullible mutant-makers who do cough up, they have the unexpected treat of being charged overinflated prices and expected to be grateful for this so-called “privilege”. If any of the classes are taken on outings they are stuffed like sardines into what can only be described as something that a certain tv motoring presenter and his chums would gladly either blow up or swing pendulum-style into the side of a mountain.

If this wasn’t bad enough, there seems to be a disturbing increase in the local NIMBY (ie Not In My Back Yard) population in Auchtermuchty. These are people who now are entering into their twilight years, have now seen fit to start complaining about anything and everything about the village, despite whatever they are complaining about having always been present in Auchtermuchty.

The new paradigm of some in the local area seems to be aimed at strangling to death what little real life there is left in Auchtermuchty and to keep it in the same old boring 1945 war-time throwback appearance that pisses off what remains of decent members of the younger generations in the village. There is no opportunity for growth and renewal in this village, Auchtermuchty is like a certain clinic in Switzerland, this is where old people come to die, but before that they’ll make a bloody big hue and cry about bloody everything else. And where young people want to leave in droves, unless they’ve either got some local bint pregnant, or are indeed, the bint who has gotten herself pregnant.

There is piss all local industry in the village, save for a local pub which has seen several changes of ownership in the past 20+ years, and which invariably has ended up as a drinking den at times for the same chain-smoking and binge drinking mutant breeders. The local shop is nowhere near as good as the one that was there in the past, and with some of the prices you may have to consider re-mortgaging your property. Also there are far too many cars left parked outside the store, and common sense and decency have annoyingly enough, been cruelly abandoned as often as some of the vehicles outside sadly have.

The local chippy is a s**t stain on the good name of decent chippies everywhere, and whose food output can only be best described as heated-up cardboard with piss-awful condiments added. The fact that this place is still open is tantamount to the fact that the inhabitants of Auchtermuchty have palates that can be literally described as little better than pond-dwellers. It is suspected if better food were to be offered here, the owner of the premises would be accused of being in league with Beelzebub and burnt at the stake!

A Chinese takeaway opened a year or so ago, and even if the food from there is much better than the chip-shop, the so-called customer service of the lady behind the counter who staffs the place is often bloody dreadful. Locals are highly concerned that if the lady in question were to smile, her face would crack and there would be an immediate gaping hole that would appear in the space-time continuum. Regardless, she has the people relations skills of a former female Prime Minister and the vocal delivery of a female Frankenstein’s monster.

Continued Below

The local health centre is forever chock-full of the usual suspects ie old ladies where every system in their body seems to be going the way of the dodo, and who loudly discuss their bladder and bowel movements within earshot of everyone else, with other similarly-afflicted biddies.

Also, young parents whose approach to parenting is to completely ignore their children whilst glued to their bloody local gossip-discovery device a.k.a the modern smartphone, and who only engage with them either if they start screaming blue murder, smear their shite on the walls, or run down the halls of the health centre emitting high-pitched squeals at frankly eardrum perforating levels.

Gossip is already very prevalent in the health centre, if you are not being talked about in here by at least one other person, you either aren’t interesting enough for the local shite-spreaders or your body is already in the second stages of advanced rigor mortis. In addition to this, the people who work behind the counter here are blessed with an attitude that at times can be best described as the Hulk meets Genghis Khan. If you wish to be patronised and spoken to like a person whose IQ is in single-digits, look no further!

It is quite difficult to get an appointment at the health centre, due to the fact that so many of the local muppets seem
to be forever booked into all the available appointment slots, and also the fact that the telephone computer system that is employed by the centre would probably make the creators of Facebook bald! And if you do manage to get an appointment, it is neither very convenient for you, and the time-keeping skills employed by the centre can be at best described as seriously taking the piss, and at worst, of unquestionably Third-World standards.

The parking in the village is at best questionable, and at worst, a flagrant disregard for the highway code and proper standards of driving. Proper use of indicators has been forgotten in Auchtermuchty, as well as the practice of basic common courtesy and the ability to park correctly.

The local council is currently considering whether to bring in a 20mph speed limit in all the roads in Auchtermuchty,however this is really a fool’s game as most of the roads in the village are of honestly shite quality and are loaded with potholes and half-arsed patch jobs that will not even last six months, never mind a year.

The harsh winters of the past few years have taken their toll on the surface of Auchtermuchty’s roads, and the local council has adopted a strict “absorb and deflect” policy to road repairs in the area. Thus, if you try to go above 30mph in Auchtermuchty, you are either a boy racer, impatient, or prepared to put up with roads that people in the poorest parts of the world would loudly and rudely scoff at.

The A91 road passes through the village, and drivers that use this road are often wilfully ignorant of the fact that there is a 30mph speed limit on this part of the road in Auchtermuchty. This road is not only blighted with speeding drivers but also much of the aforementioned problems with the rest of the roads and drivers in the village. The coppers are a rare sight around these part, and are will be even rarer now due to the cutbacks in the policing budget, as the local station has long since been closed down.

And this brings us onto Auchtermuchty’s main terminal illness, the modern social leprosy known to most intelligent people as the clique. If you are not a fully multiple-kid ridden member of one of the local cliques, there is the distinct possibility that no-one might speak to you, as your “face isn’t from around here”. The only way to bypass such crass rear-end level elitism is to either marry or get one of the local clique members loaded up with a mutant bun in the oven, or otherwise face the very real possibility of moving out of the village and making your home elsewhere. There is however, a very maverick route, which is to completely ignore the lot of them and treat it like a dormitory town, which in truth is infinitely preferable.

But the village is not completely without merit, it currently has four fully operational exits, which are ideal to escape the village and the growing gnawing feeling that you would have been better buying a remote house outside any of the villages in the area. It is hoped that by reading this, you will consider adopting this approach to purchasing a property in the Howe of Fife, as the surrounding villages are sadly in terms of quality, much the same!

  • lou

    Wot a t****r the person that wrote this is Wld love to know where they came from!!! As I. Live in Muchty a can say there is 2 things this reject got right. The roads are s**t and aye the wifey in the Chinese does need t crack a smile now n again!!! As for the nobody talks n it’s “cliquey” . Probably bcause wen this “wankstain” writin this rubbish was in the village we can spot daftys a mile away!!!!!!

    • Kiero

      I think you can’t tell that whoever wrote this is being sarcastic. VERY sarcastic. And judging by your reply, the guy was right about the local dialect.

  • Colin

    That is a top notch rant.

    • Kiero

      Don’t think it’s really a rant, more of a really funny p***take of the village. Whoever wrote it does need to have a touch of reality about the place. Pretty sure Auchtermuchty isn’t THAT bad, worse places to live, especially some of the bigger towns in Fife.